Now that KnowNow is movin' on up

From: Mike Dierken (
Date: Wed Feb 21 2001 - 14:53:31 PST

Some advice, now that Rohit has his own empire.

> When I become an Evil Overlord:
> 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
> not face-concealing ones that my enemies can infiltrate my organization
> with. Either that, or they will have fear-inspiring, face-concealing ones
> coded to the owner's DNA that will fry anybody else who puts it on. (Makes
> for increased locker-room alertness, too.)
> 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
> 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
> anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
> 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
> 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
> Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
> Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
> 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
> 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
> are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
> just sensible."
> 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
> will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
> shoot him.
> 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
> in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
> during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
> 10.Or, better yet, I'll find a beautiful EVIL princess and we'll co-rule
> in good-hating matrimonial bliss. (lord knows, evil women aren't hard to
> find.)
> 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
> necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
> "Danger: Do Not Push", it will be labelled "Michael Bolton Album
> Dispenser."
> 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
> destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
> 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum with all of my
> secrets lying around to be stolen or damaged. Nor will interrogate them
> without the presence of my COMPETANT bodyguards.
> 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
> prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
> enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
> 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
> I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
> 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy";
> I simply choose not show them any.
> 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
> in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
> implementation.
> 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
> the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
> celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
> 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
> of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
> adhere to any other dress codes.
> 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
> other form of last request.
> 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
> that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
> when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
> operation.
> 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
> scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
> to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
> 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
> one thing I want to know."
> 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
> advice.

This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Apr 27 2001 - 23:18:11 PDT