Got this a few minutes ago, w/o attribution. I suspect it's older,
but has been exhumed and revised for topicality.
Microsoft Test Nuclear Device
MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a
secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at
10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with
talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears
shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath
of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III
microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run
so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in
electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should
finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to
the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be
holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was
the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product
a second time."
-- ======================================================================== Strata Rose Chalup [KF6NBZ] strata "@" virtual.net VirtualNet Consulting http://www.virtual.net/ ** Project Management & Architecture for ISP/ASP Systems Integration ** =========================================================================
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Apr 27 2001 - 23:18:50 PDT