From: Ian Andrew Bell (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Date: Thu May 10 2001 - 20:59:17 PDT
------ Forwarded Message
From: Ian Andrew Bell <email@example.com>
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 20:37:26 -0700
To: "foib ianbell.com" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Another Modest Proposal: Bomb China
As the U.S. Economy continues to lag and the energy crisis continues to
heighten tensions, our friends the US Government have offered few solutions
short of ordering Federal offices to reduce energy consumption by sending
In fact, most of the US Government's efforts have been focused on the
assignment of blame. Like silly schoolchildren the President (Dick Cheney)
and his sidekick George Bush have laid blame upon the lineup of usual
suspects which conveniently avail themselves to every republican cause:
liberals, democrats, and environmentalists.
But I, your humble list master, have identified the real culprits that are
responsible for our current troubles: China.
The US Economy is dependent upon continuing expansion of the business world
for growth. The business world depends on email. California, where most
email is sent or received (according to the Bush administration) depends on
reliable electricity to power the business world. California's power grid
used to rely on a surplus from Nevada which, thanks to the growth of Las
Vegas, is no longer available. Las Vegas is crawling with Chinese travelers
gambling, engaging in lecherous and debaucherous acts, and generally
consuming power for frivolous purposes.
You see how it all ties together? It's those sneaky Chinese undermining the
US economy and enjoying our free cocktails and all-you-can-eat buffets while
they're at it.
They must be made to pay.
Look at all of those other devilish things they've been doing lately: they
stole our airplane, for god's sake, and they won't give it back! They've
been asserting their own territorial waters with naval exercises, scaring
our cowering friends in Taiwan. They even won the contract to manufacture
the green berets for our very own Green Berets, those sneaky bastards. Now
they're talking about a space program?
They can have only one intent and that is war.
So fine. Let's give it to 'em. Let's call the British (they're always up
for a good fight) and the Canadians -- heck, let's call the Australians --
and get them to buy a bunch of our stuff from us to drop on good ol'
We'll call it "Operation Hong Kong POW!". We'll execute a long and
expensive aerial bombing campaign, build and launch a quickly
thrown-together system of laser satellites to protect us from incoming
nukes, and we'll ship 43,000 Hummers to our friends in Taiwan. It will take
at least a year of solid warfare to beat our way up to an inconclusive and
totally ineffective result which we can claim as victory.
Next we'll force the UN to embargo all trade between China and the rest of
the world. This means no giveaway rubber balls at Pizza Hut, no fortune
cookies, no Mu-Shu Pork, no Rice... and none of those tasty little Mandarin
Oranges that the Florida Orange Growers' Association is always complaining
Really, it's a win-win for everybody. Just think of the benefits!
Much as Desert Storm pulled the US Economy from the doldrums of the late
1980s and allowed oil prices to re-stabilize under US control as the Arab
World cowered in the face of the evil and maniacal Sunni Muslims of Iraq; so
a war with China could revitalize the aerospace and technology sectors,
increase exports from American-owned Mexican sweat shops as Chinese exports
are embargoed, and allow oil prices to re-stabilize under US control as the
Arab World cowers in the face of the evil and maniacal Communists of China.
Apart from killing a few hundred thousand Chinese there's not much wrong
with this plan... And even so, what's the big deal? Hey, they've proven
they can procreate... It'd hardly take them any time at all to rebuild that
sort of a scratch on their population.
Plus, getting rid of some of them increases the chances of the upcoming
biography of Ronald Reagan knocking "The Little Red Book" off of the #2 spot
on the all-time Best Sellers list.
Oh, wait. What? You say those guys in Las Vegas gambling and drinking are
Well, OK... Bomb them too.
-Ian. (Honorary Redneck)
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri May 11 2001 - 11:18:45 PDT