From: Adam Rifkin -4K (adam@XeNT.ics.uci.edu)
Date: Thu May 04 2000 - 17:38:21 PDT
This is the only reference on the entire Web right now that I can find
to a vile substance called "80/20 Cola":
> Table Talk - The Hobbit of Drinking (Or the Skyy's the Limit)
> By Ellen Sweets
> Every now and again you meet someone who makes such an impact that
> you bear his imprint before you speak personally. Maurice Kanbar of San
> Francisco is one of those people.
> I wanted to meet him when he came to Dallas because inventors
> fascinate me. The fact that Skyy vodka was one of his inventions had
> nothing to do with it. And certainly the fact that there was an open bar
> serving martinis made with his invention had even less to do with my
> enthusiastic response.
> No, it was the "deffuzit" and the "Rollercane" I wanted to know
> about. And in case you're wondering what either is, the former removes
> those-hateful little roly-poly doohickeys that pill up on sweaters, and
> the other is a walking cane on rollers.
> Now tell the truth: wouldn't you want to at least meet someone with
> those credentials? I mean the guy, who reminded me of a cross between an
> adorable Disney creation and a Hobbit, has also developed 80/20 Cola
> that is about to hit the market (80 percent "light" cola and 20 percent
> regular), a cryogenic device used for removing cataracts, and
> purportedly, the first multiplex cinema - The Quad - in New York City.
> So there he is, bouncing around meeting and greeting, basking in
> the attention lavished upon him by Dallas demoiselles who were clearly
> appreciative of his inventiveness, or at least the many benefits derived
> therefrom. As one was overheard to say, "Don't worry, as soon as she
> gets up, I'm scooting right in there; before the evening is over I'll
> know exactly what he's worth."
> The nice thing about gliding unobtrusively through a cocktail party
> is that no one suspects there is an inveterate eavesdropper loose about
> the land. And nothing loosens tongues like an open bar serving free
> martinis. But then, that was the point: he was in town to talk Skyy,
> which, he insists, does not induce hangovers.
> Well, you say, don't drink so much and you won't have a hangover
> anyway. But never mind that digression. Hear what Maurice has to say on
> the subject.
> "I went to doctor after doctor to figure out why I got a hangover
> no matter how little I drank," he says to a group clustered around him,
> all holding those triangle-shaped glasses. He continued. "If I had just
> one cognac after dinner or one glass of wine, I had a terrible hangover.
> I was sure I had a brain tumor."
> He didn't. What he had was a severe reaction to congeners, as he
> explained it, or at least as I understood it. Congeners are impurities
> formed during the fermentation process. He, like the rest of us, had
> never heard the term. However, having read up on them, he decided to
> invent a vodka that didn't have them. So he researched and fiddled and
> came up with a four-column distillation process that removes all but
> trace levels of mean old congeners. Combined with a secret three-step
> filtration process, the result, again according to Maurice, is a
> no-next-day-headache vodka.
> I can't speak to Skyy's effectiveness. I'm past the point where I
> have to try to drink up everything in sight just because it's free.
> However, flash-fried crab claws dipped in blue-cornmeal batter is
> another thing. Ditto vodka-soaked oyster shooters laced with shallots.
> And sushi made with fresher-than-fresh tuna. I can speak to what great
> appetizers they are. And how well they accompany twi martoonis.
> Uh, two martinis.
> Anyway, if that's the way Maurice makes a splash when he lands in
> town, he can throw a party here any time he Bloody Mary well wants,
> especially when the Skyy's unlimited.
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right. Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night. There's no feeling any greater than to shoot first and ask questions later, Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. -- Weird Al Yankovic, "Trigger Happy"
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