If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord . . .

Rohit Khare (khare@mci.net)
Tue, 19 Aug 1997 14:05:01 -0400

<fontfamily><param>Times New Roman</param>If I Ever Become an Evil
Overlord . . .

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors,

not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. As an extra

security measure, there will be motion and heat detectors every 12


3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not

kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Any form of death will _not_ be too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the

Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons

Eternity. It will be in my pocket.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

I'll just kill them.

7. When a rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one battle, and asks,

"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will

"No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Before you pull the

trigger, can you tell me your secret plan?", I'll laser his ass, and

say "No".

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be immediately

in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time

during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism in my mother ship.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the cute and cuddly

infant who is destined to overthrow me. I'll vaporize the brat myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies within the walls of my secret

sanctum sanctorum. Any small space station well outside my borders will

work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will have no need

prove my superiority by dropping clues in the form of riddles, leaving

weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat, or having the

shackled-and-gagged rebel leader dragged behind me to witness the

destruction of his home world.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an

I'm not accountable to anyone, and my enemies wouldn't believe it,


15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word

"mercy", and simply choose not show any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any

in my plans that he is able to spot will be corrected before


17. All slain enemies will be vaporized, not left for dead at the

of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any

celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as

members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military

boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. Rebel leaders will not be entitled to a last kiss, a last

or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If,

such a device is unavoidable, I will set it to blow when the counter

reaches 180.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad

scientist to assist me, I will insure he is sufficiently twisted as to

never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's done.

22. I will never utter the sentence: "But before I kill you, there's

one thing I want you to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to


24. I will periodically wipe out all members of my inner circle.



Rohit Khare /// MCI Internet Architecture (BOS) /// khare@mci.net

Voice+Pager: (617) 960-5131 VNet: 370-5131 Fax: (617) 960-1009