Regulations leave a dark brown taste in the mouth

I'm not a real doofus, but I play one at a national laboratory. (
Wed, 27 Aug 1997 12:34:15 -0500

In spite of the author's ready recourse to bathroom language, I found his
laments, below, about the stercoraceous laws in Canada to be quite moving.


Forwarded-by: glen mccready <>
Forwarded-by: Martin Pool <>
Forwarded-by: bureau42 Anonymous Remailer <>

I think I first realized just how much Tim May's .sig lines are a
genuine harbinger of the future when I arrived at to
find that there are "Compost Standards in Canada," as explained by
The Composting Council of Canada.

In short, if I wanted to stack some turds on top of each other, then
I had to keep in mind that:

"In Canada, three organizations are responsible for the development of
standards and regulations for compost and composting: Agriculture and
Agri-Food Canada (AAFC), the provincial and territorial governments,
and the Standards Council of Canada (SCC) (through the Bureau de
normalisation du Quebec (BNQ)). This collective responsibility reflects
government regulatory requirements (of both the AAFC and the provinces
and territories) as well as voluntary industry initiatives (BNQ)."

{The word "voluntary" was in _bold_ print! (Mandatory-Voluntary?)}

When I first got the urge to phone these people up and scream, "YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT _SHIT_, FOR SHIT'S SAKE!" was when I read that,

"All compost that is sold in Canada must comply with the requirements
of the Fertilizers Act. This includes provisions for product safety,
benefit claims and labeling."

Product safety? (Turds are dangerous? You can 'slip' on them?)
Benefit claims? (You mean turds _don't_ cure cancer?)
Labeling? (It's SHIT! It's hard to fool people about that.)

I found out I could avoid fines and imprisonment by reading,
"...a National Standard of Canada entitled: 'Organic Soil Conditioners -
Composts (BNQ); Guidelines for Compost Quality (CCME); and future
amendments to the Fertilizers Act and Regulations (AAFC).'"

"Future amendments?" I had to worry about past turds coming back to
haunt me, if the laws should change in the future?

I was consoled by the fact that these requirements were in the best
interests of the different organizations involved, and to ensure that
all of the turds in Canada are "consistent."

"These provide for a significant level of national consistency by
containing virtually identical technical requirements while ensuring
that the mandates and interests of the different organizations are

My consolation was short-lived, however, as I soon found out that if
I didn't understand the proper turd linguistics involved, I could still
be in big trouble:

"Definition of Compost"

"'Composting' and 'compost' are two distinct terms. The former refers
to the bio-oxidation process and the latter refers to the resulting
product: stabilized organic matter."

"As agreed upon by the CCME, BNQ and AAFC, compost is:
'A solid mature product resulting from composting, which is a
managed process of bio-oxidation of a solid heterogeneous organic
substrate including a thermophilic phase.'"

Then, of course, to remain free from fine and imprisonment, I had to
be aware of the:

Classification of Compost
according to:
BNQ Standards
CCME Guidelines
AAFC Regulations

As well as keeping in mind:

"The Four Criteria: Maturity, Foreign Matter, Trace Elements and

Maturity? (You can 'molest' a turd? I could be a 'turdophile'?)
Foreign Matter? (Hey! There's a turd in your turd!)
Trace Elements? (I have to give the turds multi-vitamins if they
don't measure up?)
Pathogens? (They mention checking for "sharp objects" in it. If it
is a 'long' sharp object, is it illegal to carry the turd
in California?)

After memorizing the Fertilizer Act and all other regulations and
legislation involved, I piled some turds in my yard, next to the

It was a week later, when I began to follow the instructions to
turn it over and mix it up that I was arrested for "being involved
in 'bad shit'."

The worst part is that because I was turning it over and stirring it
when arrested, I will get an "extra five years" for "use of encryption
in the commission of a composting crime."



I visited the page, too. At the bottom it says, "We
have had 000001 visitors." The 000001 part is not only hard-coded, it's an
image file. I guess they were pretty confident about their broad appeal.