[OLD BITS](fwd) UNIX for the PC

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From: Udhay Shankar N (udhay@pobox.com)
Date: Mon Dec 18 2000 - 05:37:10 PST

Was this originally on FoRK ?

On Mon, 11 Dec 2000 7:20:00 PST, in rec.humor.funny.reruns
ernest@pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar) wrote:

>>>Attribution: ME (original, with a little help from my friends)
>In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
>its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
>with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
>have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC -
>that is, the "Politically Correct."
> Politically Correct UNIX
> System VI Release notes
>"man" pages are now called "person" pages.
>Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
>To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is
>now merely "domestic_quadruped."
>To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the
>male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
>address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a
>"-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is
>The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
>the more neutral "gendre" command.
>The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due
>to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
>"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
>Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
>should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
>The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan
>era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
>The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly
>To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
>renamed "euthanise."
>The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
>themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
>"nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users
>to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
>"history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
>"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
>strictly enforced.
>The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
>From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
>"exploitive capitalist text".
>The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
>will now be known as "spiritual guides."
>There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
>"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
>Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white
>on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly
>with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses
>"regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive
>video" can be any color at all over a white background.
>For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
>and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
>users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
>People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
>No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
>by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how
>(or whether) to respond to requests from users.
>The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
>And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively
>Challenged. ---- UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories.
>Any similarty of names or attitudes to that of any person, living or
>dead, is purely coincidental.
>From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
>Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
>rec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pages
>and archives on the web.
>Take care in replying to postings in this group -- most were submitted
>years ago.

((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com))
      God is silent. Now if we can only get Man to shut up.

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