The 1,348 entries we received for the Top Five Open list
competition were judged by 45 of our top contributors.
I send a special thanks to those judges, as well as to
everyone who sent in an entry. Here are the final results.
Beneath the list is an extended section of runners up.
The Top 20 Signs You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park
20> It's bumper car-to-bumper car traffic at rush hour.
19> You have to wait for somebody to hit the target before
starting your bath.
18> In your wardrobe? Peanuts. In your cornflakes? Peanuts.
Under the computer keyboard? More damn peanuts.
17> Your insurance policy has a rider to cover an "Act of Goofy."
16> Your kid's first word is "getchaballoonshere."
15> You can't afford to buy film for your camera unless you
drive to the next county.
14> You buy a swingset for your kids and some hoods from Disney
pump your garage full of lead as a warning.
13> Merry-Go-Round riders constantly yanking out your wife's
12> There's a bearded lady in your back yard, and your
mother-in-law is out of town.
11> You paid for your new Lexus with 43,800,000 skee-ball tickets.
10> Can't leave your driveway without backing over picketing
9> Your house is on the park map as "Crappyland."
8> Crazy kids hand you a buck, then smash your new Volvo with a
7> Your cat gets a hernia carrying home its last mouse kill.
6> Every meal you've had for the past two months has been served
on a stick.
5> Neighborhood hookers require an "E" ticket.
4> Scooby and his 'pesky' friends search your house for evidence
regarding the creepy amusement park owner.
3> The name of the damned place is "Six Flags Over Ed Smith."
2> Your "It's a Small World" insanity plea successfully beats
the mass murder rap.
and the Number 1 Sign You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park...
1> Despite your most amorous pleas, wife demands hand-stamp
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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Today's Top Five List contributors are:
Kathleen Buchanan, Tuscaloosa, AL -- 1 (1st #1!)
Don Dillon, Santa Rosa, CA -- 2
Colin Gray, Dumfries, Scotland -- 2
Patrick Golden, whereabouts unknown -- 2
Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 3
Theresa Noonan, Highland Park, IL -- 4
Ellen S., whereabouts unknown -- 5
Robert Ostling, Santa Rosa, CA -- 6
Bruce White, Hugo, MN -- 6
Paul Berry, Lake Havasu City, AZ -- 7
Paul Piciocchi, Orlando, FL -- 8
Craig Moe, Chapel Hill, NC -- 9
Dan Angelo, San Bernardino, CA -- 9
Greg O'Neill, Durham, NC -- 9
Don Miller, Marysville, WA -- 10
Elissa Laitin, Newton, MA -- 11
Rick Borchert, Manitoba, Canada -- 12
Jill Rosenberg, New York, NY -- 12
Steve Marcantonio, whereabouts unknown -- 13
Carrie, Manitoba, Canada -- 14
Rich Nicholas, Oxnard, CA -- 15
Marttinen Terhi, whereabouts unknown -- 16
Jeanne W. Stolcis, Falls Church, VA -- 17
Donato Ottolenghi, Milano, Italy -- 18
Michael Hecht, Columbus, OH -- 19
Frank Meek, Austin, TX -- 20
Selected from 1,348 submissions by 1,348 contributors.
>From the "How Common Are Your Funny Thoughts" Department:
Over 300 entries regarding vomit on the house, windows,
car, lawn, etc.
Over 200 entries regarding signs that say, "You must be
at least this high/long to ride this ride..."
Over 150 entries regarding charging people to park in
your driveway (or being charged to park there).
Over 100 entries regarding standing in line for your own
The RUNNERS UP were (in no particular order)...
Impossible number of clowns coming out of your bathroom.
-- K.W.Falk, Seattle, WA
Your wife refuses your advances unless they're accompanied by
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD
Your neighborhood watch captain drives around in a bumper car.
-- Andrea Houseman, Milwaukee, WI
Your most recent 911 call involved seven dwarfs, a case of beer,
and your missing John Deere, again.
-- John J. Marinick, whereabouts unknown
Your landlady's daily request to "guess your weight" is becoming
-- J. Smith, Phoenix, AZ
Your kids dramamine-stand is pulling in more than your lucrative
-- Gever Tulley, San Francisco, CA
Your husband develops a nasty complex about your constant "small
-- Shasta Turner, Claremont, CA
-- The staff at the Palliser Hotel, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Your chance of dating Isabella the Contortionist is about the same
as your average clown.
-- Bill Enniss, Phoenix, AZ
Your cat is hopelessly addicted to "Whack-A-Mole."
-- Spencer Clements, Spring, TX
Your brother-in-law from Southern California keeps running to the
doorway, shouting, "Whoa, there it goes again!"
-- David M. Miller, New York, NY
Your and your spouse's wardrobe consists primarily of Tube Tops and
Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts.
-- Mark L. Hartman, Bremerton, WA
You spend more and more of your time wondering how to get that freak
-- Casey Lindstrom, Boston, MA
Those giant Goofy droppings in front yard.
-- Tom Wahl, San Jose, CA
-- Lori Carmona, whereabouts unknown
-- Lloyd Black, Haddonfield, NJ
-- Jacques Vandenbroek, Oceanside, CA
-- Doug Rendall, Zion, IL
-- Dennis Sacks, whereabouts unknown
-- Ryan Rempel, Fresno, CA
You catch weird Cousin Randy on the front porch doing his "Trevor
the Trouser Worm" show.
-- Paul M. Yingling, Cranston, RI
Wabbit hunting unusually harwd.
-- Mike Miller, whereabouts unknown
The neighbor kids keep asking which freak show star you are.
-- Dave Bakker, Forest Park, IL
Seeing a 200 pound woman in black spandex shorts and a pink fishnet
tank-top can no longer be considered one of life's singular events.
-- Wendi Zimmerman, Somerset, NJ
See: Jackson, Michael
-- Josh Evans, Mankato, MN
Rats in basement all wearing big red bow ties and white gloves.
-- Ernie Ward, Billerica, MA
-- Margie Cohen, Houston, TX
People keep knocking your mailbox over with a football and demanding
you give them a prize.
-- Steve Jaggers, Plano, TX
Nightly fireworks display in your pants.
-- Bob Joress, Natick, MA
Little ducks fall over on the TV screen every time you point the
-- Ann Azevedo, Tolland, CT
Lion Recovery Van cruises your neighborhood hourly.
-- Ralph Castro, San Diego, CA
Huge homeless mouse by freeway with sign reading, 'Will work for
-- name of contributor unknown
Foreplay consists of quickly rattling off the phrase: "Please keep
your hands and feet inside the bed until it has come to a complete
and final stop."
-- Tom Culler, Ann Arbor, MI
-- Jeff Whipple, Cincinnati, OH
-- Stan Hatch, Mundelein, IL
-- Bjorn Jensen, Calabasas, CA
Fairy dust keeps killing your lawn.
-- Laura Green, Huntington Beach, CA
Everytime you set the table you have a sudden urge to throw
nickles on it.
-- David C. Marlatt, San Antonio, TX
Everyone calls you "Goofy," and your name isn't Dan Quayle.
-- Paradox, San Francisco, CA
Continual attention paid to your children by overweight, middle-age,
socially dysfunctional clown begins to wear a little thin.
-- Ford Jones, Falls Church, VA
Bozo the Clown keeps coming by and trying to borrow a bottomless
cup of sugar.
-- Jeremy Bornstein, San Bruno, CA
-- John Hill, Oxford, UK
A shoeless, drunken Mickey Mouse keeps wandering through your
backyard at 2:00am yelling "Minnie...Minnie!"
-- Vince Johnson, Yosemite, CA
-- Tim Titus, San Jose, CA
Your pit bull always seems to be choking on dwarf bones.
-- Wayne Carson, Arlington, TX
Your pet cat is really a college kid in a funny suit.
-- Chris Collins, Birmingham, AL
-- David Stagner, whereabouts unknown
Your family portraits can only be viewed with one eye peering
through a plastic photo keychain.
-- Donna Pancurak, Garwood, NJ
Your Russian Wolfhound is diagnosed with curly-fry poisoning.
-- Toni Rachiele, New York, NY
You've gradually become the owner of the world's largest toupee
-- Kristi Herd, Westminster, CO
-- Martha E. Frantz, Hanover, NH
You strap yourself into your toilet-seat with your hands over your
head while screaming at the top of your lungs.
-- Julie Spiegler, San Francisco, CA
-- Dave Hamilton, Canton, OH
-- Michael F. Oryl, Jr., Philadelphia, PA
-- Trish Bayless, Eugene, OR
-- Greg Miller, whereabouts unknown
-- John Hilla, Detroit, MI
You begin to find missing front teeth sexy.
-- John Quinn, Chicago, IL
Wife keeps catching you in the bathroom playing "Whac-A-Mole."
-- Michael Abrahams, Washington, DC
Three words: Coaster Chunder Aroma.
-- Adam Rifkin, Pasadena, CA
The neighbors constantly argue, and it always ends with someone
yelling "Donald is twice the mouse you are!"
-- Neal Webb, Oakton, VA
The kids come in late, dressed like gypsies and smelling like
corndogs; or it dressed like corndogs and smelling like gypsies?
-- Ziegler, Mark, KS
The Amazing Rubberman's all-too-frequent use of your bathroom --
without ever leaving the sideshow stage.
-- John Warnke, Laconia, NH
Sign on your street reads, "Clown XING."
-- Mischa Krilov, Baton Rouge, LA
One by one your neighbors are replaced with the magic of animatronics.
-- Dwight McPeak, Alabaster, AL
Local ordinance prohibits flushing your toilet while the Log Flume
ride is operating.
-- Dawn and Robert Gehrsitz, Brick, NJ
-- Tim Castle, Mountain View, CA
-- Matthew Coffey, Providence, RI
Increased difficulty luring the neighborhood kids into your garage
with those darn carnies around.
-- Chris Ervin, Laguna Hills, CA
Elephant flatulence cause unpredictable climactic changes.
-- J.B. Stiglitz, Albuquerque, NM
You have to pay $12.00 to retrieve your frisbee.
-- Matt Hart, Tulsa, OK
After leaving the windows down overnight, you find your car filled
-- Steve Johnston, Sunnyvale CA
-- James C. Reeves, Burtonsville, MD
Your next door neighbor has a brother named Tito.
-- Rick Schieche, whereabouts unknown
Your address is "Goofy Lot, Row 6."
-- Christopher and Deanna Estep, Yuba City, CA
Your Pets: 2,548 Goldfish
-- Jennifer Levine, Mill Valley, CA
You're always waking up in bed next to some clown.
-- Jason A Keenan, British Columbia, Canada
You discover a drunken Donald Duck nestled up to one of your lawn
-- Dale Novak, Phoenix, AZ
When you take a dump, It's shaped like a Churro.
-- J. Chance Allen, Provo, UT
Two hour line to get into your Barcalounger.
-- Sanjay M. Shirke, New York, NY
Surly attitudes and bad teeth everywhere.But look at the bright side
-- it's like a trip to London, without leaving home!
-- Alex Montano, Kalamazoo, MI
Park visitors constantly stop by your home asking "Is this the House
-- Arne Wegger, Kongsberg, Norway
Paramedics in your attic resuscitating the Human Cannonball.
-- Tim McGinnes, Parkes, NSW, Australia
Kids thrown from the roller coaster keep clogging your pool skimmers.
-- David Chernicoff, New York, NY
Errant ring toss throw "finds its mark" as you exit the shower.
-- Andy Franks, Denver, CO
Big mouse pays you to keep quite about chronic "Cotton Candy Lung."
-- David R. Bosso, Santa Barbara, CA
After the second corkscrew you realize it's *not* the subway.
-- Karl Brugger, whereabouts unknown
-- David Wichmann, whereabouts unknown
-- Eric Shamash, Ottawa, ON, Canada
The junior college's course curriculum includes "Ferris Wheel
-- Sydney Poll Calvo, Seattle, WA
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