-- Ernie P.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
* You wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
a word processor.com
* When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty
feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time
you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even tho
you've never had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind
you of what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts
illuminated only by a 17" inch SVGA monitor.]
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are,because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
games from Apogee.
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you
* You tell the cab driver you live at
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with
a larger bandwidth.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on
to your IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
* Your wife's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 1.1 or higher."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't
see it while you're pretending to catch your breath.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack
for "surfing the net".
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line
so the two of you can chat.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button.
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