Mr. Cranky: animals are just people trapped in furry bodies.

I Find Karma (
Wed, 27 Nov 96 11:39:41 PST

:) I can't believe I haven't seen a movie in weeks. I'm gonna
get me to First Contact at the Mann on Saturday night, if
Duck's willing...

Meanwhile, enjoy this scintillating review of 101 D's.

:) Adam

(For those unaware of Mr. Cranky, the LOWER the number of bombs
is, the better he thinks the movie is.)

> From Wed Nov 27 11:34:00 1996
> Subject: Mr. Cranky savages "101 Dalmatians"
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky savages "101 Dalmatians"
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky's other new movie reviews this week include:
> Mother Night...........................(2 bombs)
> Mr. Cranky's new rental reviews this week include:
> Brazil.................................(1 bomb)
> Dragonheart............................(4 bombs)
> Independence Day.......................(2 bombs)
> The Phantom............................(4 bombs)
> Striptease.............................(3 bombs)
> You'll find them in the Mr. Cranky site
> on Zone Interactive:
> **This Christmas, give the gift of Mr. Cranky T-shirts!**
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky is sponsored this week by:
> aXXess Hosting Services
> T3 Web hosting from $95/month
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> "101 Dalmatians"
> Mr. Cranky's rating: 2 bombs
> Thank Disney. This movie is about to do for pet euthanasia
> what Jeffrey Dahmer did for Zip-Loc freezer bags. Imagine:
> Thousands of children across the country beg their stupid
> parents to buy them a dalmatian puppy for Christmas only to
> discover months later that dalmatians were bred to be
> carriage dogs, require a tremendous amount of attention and
> are generally a royal pain in the ass. Goodbye home sweet
> home. Hello pet cemetery.
> Disney, however, has never been one to let a pile of dead
> dogs stand in the way of potential profit. The nice thing
> about a making cute animal movie, after all, is that money
> can be saved by simply borrowing certain elements (such as
> "plot") from previous cute animal movies. The first portion
> of the film is the inane adult love story that brings Roger
> (Jeff Daniels) and Anita (Joely Richardson) together, along
> with their two dogs, Pongo and Perdy. Then it's up to the
> animals to rescue the dalmatians once Cruella (Glenn Close)
> starts stealing them. It's here that the "Babe" effect
> takes hold. You can bet your left arm that one way or
> another the filmmakers are going to convey the message that
> animals are really just people trapped in furry bodies.
> Of course nobody is going to be able to train 101 dalmatian
> puppies to do anything but pee, which Disney discovered
> early in the production after 86 died under the unforgiving
> hand of long-time Disney trainer Otto von Discipline.
> Disney adjusted by simply letting the fifteen remaining
> pups run around and hired ILM to digitize the rest when
> they needed 101. The film also features the antics of some
> wild animals, which begs the question: How do you get wild
> animals to do cute things? You guessed it: Shoot them for
> meat and hire Jim Henson's Creature Shop to animate their
> pelts.
> Look closely at the credits and you'll notice that the
> producer and screenwriter duties belong to none other than
> John Hughes, the man who "discovered" Molly Ringwald and
> Macauley Culkin and then inflicted them upon the world.
> Hughes is part of a new breed of writer/producers called
> "executioners," who write movies they'd never deign to
> direct themselves and then hand them to "lesser" directors
> to risk their careers on. After director Stephen Herek's
> career nosedives from "101 Dalmatians" to "101 Domino's
> Pizza deliveries," Hughes would be wise to avoid answering
> the door altogether.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky's Rating Scale:
> One bomb........Almost tolerable.
> Two bombs.......Consistently annoying.
> Three bombs.....Will require therapy after viewing.
> Four bombs......As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp
> stick.
> Dynamite........So godawful that it ruptured the very
> fabric of space and time with the sheer
> overpowering force of its mediocrity
> (special instances only).
> -----------------------------------------------------------
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