Top 13 Sound Bites I Heard This Week.

I Find Karma (
Fri, 23 Jan 1998 16:12:59 -0800

I'm (still!) overcoming my jetlag from Switzerland, so I'm trying to use
television as a medium to massage myself awake.

Grant me this one frivolity, and I will return to writing up my
Microsoft fellowship application...

Top 13 Sound Bites I Heard This Week

13. "The truth will set you free." [the movie Conspiracy Theory rips
off the Caltech slogan]

12. "Got problems? Get drunk." [Richard Goodman, in his 1997 year-end
review book, "I Want to Be Perfect When I Die (Which Means I
Probably Will Live a Very Long Time)", published by the underground]

11. "Dude, the only thing holding this office together is my sweat and
100 miles of my homemade duct tape." [On NewsRadio, Joe laments the
fact that he cannot fix things because he's on strike]

10. "Tim, don't sell your stupid instinct short." [Wilson, the neighbor
on "Home Improvement," when Tim Allen blames his "stupid instinct"]

9. "At Microsoft, authority comes from good ideas, not job titles."
[Flipping through a New Yorker article while watching]

8. "He drinks a whisky drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a
lager drink, he drinks a cider drink." [On MTV, anarchists
Chumbawumba describe the art of mixing alcoholic intake as a meme to
overthrow traditional conventions of Western society in the last 3%
of the 20th century. I guess self-involvement is out, and
Tubthumping is in.]

7. "13 million pounds of avocados will be consumed in guacamole during
the Superbowl this Sunday." [Jay Leno, advertising the fatty fruit
for the California Avocado Farmers Association]

6. "In exchange for sparing his life, the Unabomber pleaded guilty to
whatever it was we were gonna find him guilty of anyway." [Comedy
Central's "The Daily Show" fixing the news as it breaks]

5. "All great liars tell people what they want to believe." [Either a
senator or a congressman on C-Span; although he was referring to our
executive branch, I believe the sound byte is applicable in his area
of government as well]

4. "... dried Presidential semen ..." [This phrase alone was enough to
make me want to go back to sleep. What is THIS doing on the news??]

3. "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this
sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." [CNN
uses a Jonathan Swift quote to introduce the "technology" segment of
headline news]

2. "53 million Americans watched the '69 moon landing." [Pop-Up Video,
and doesn't this number seem kind of small?]

and the number 1 sound byte I heard today

1. Raymond's brother: "You're in craptown, eh?"
Raymond: "Meet the mayor."
[Although the show's title is "Everybody Loves Raymond", the show
continually questions that motto as everybody gets angry or annoyed
with Raymond each week]


Sorry, I can't afford you any longer. I understand you very well, and I
have a certain amount of sympathy. It's very compulsive, your malice,
and you aren't too much to blame, but I don't ever want to see you
-- Truman Capote, "Shut a Final Door", written in 1947 when the enfant
terrible was only 23