Netrape Screwlootions begins operations under US Government plan

Rohit Khare (
Tue, 03 Feb 1998 20:49:42 -0800

[I wonder if they use the Inferno OS?

In other news, Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) has taken a stand on the
issue, in the form of the Domain Name Rights Coalition (DNRC): --RK]

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 12:58:11 -0800
From: John Gilmore <>
Subject: Netrape Screwlootions begins operations under US Government plan

In response to the publication of the US Government's plan to
provide long-term stable operation of the Internet domain name system,
we have an announcement.

Today we are forming a new company, Netrape Screwlootions, Inc. We
claim the domain names ".net", ".rape", ".screw", ".lootions", and
".inc", but will settle for ".screw" in the short term. We have a
climate-controlled 24-hour operation center deep in the bowels of the
earth, with plenty of spare energy. Though there are no ethical
standards required for assignment of a government-controlled domain
name, we assure you that we meet the highest ethical standards for the
lowest place. We have extensive connections in all parts of the
Government, especially the White House, which will guarantee our
rightful place in the selection of appropriate organizations to
manage the transition from public service to throttled competition
and then to the heavenly free Internet envisioned by the plan.

We meet all the necessary requirements. Everyone is welcome, and we
are open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. We have standardized on
high-quality Lucifer encryption for all our accesses. We have
multiple high-speed connections to the upper world, and we daily make
an archive of all our customers so that they can be resuscitated for
continuing operations if they are accidentally destroyed. Our
searchable database of customers is maintained by the Perl-y Gates
himself. The first one is always free with us, including our
software. Our number of global zones of service is completely
adequate, providing non-denominational worldwide access to our

Our management policies have been reviewed by the very highest
authorities. We assure you that our technical staff is very expert in
its machinations, and we offer them constant practice to refine their

We have created alternate dispute resolution for trademark-related
complaints. This process does not involve the time, expense, and pain
of litigation. Instead, our process involves sending trademark
lawyers and domain scammers to the deepest part of our operations
center, where their thresholds will be studied by the application of
delicate instruments that have taken centuries to perfect. The party
who screams the loudest will prevail, as usual. Innocent domain users
would be inconvenienced by the use of this procedure, but we do not
expect any innocent users to actually register domain names. Both
sides in the trademark debate assure us that all domain names infringe
trademarks and that all trademark owners are slavering monsters.

Our level of security is the best. No-one gets past the guards who
protect our portals, and we have been in operation for millennia. No
malicious hacker has ever escaped us in the long term. We definitely
provide a "hot switchover" capability. We have extensive experience
with fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, arson, bombs, and other acts of
God and War.

It is often said that one's soul is visible in one's face, and what
else could be called the public face of a company but its name? Your
name will be safe with us. Our prices are quite low, certainly no
more than the price of a small mass of pottage. We will be glad to
register your with us, and when the appropriate time comes, you
will then know our true prices. We are looking forward to it.