Intel, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways...

I Find Karma (
Fri, 18 Jul 1997 20:09:41 -0700 (PDT)

I know this is old news, but Intel's $6 billion 1997Q2 earnings (up 29%
from 1996Q2) had me curious as to how well-off this dammed company is.

It's worse than I ever expected.

Their total assets are $25 billion, up $1.5 billion from just 6 months
ago. That includes $8 billion in CASH. In the words of Men in Black's
Will Smith, Daaaaaam...

They had a 2-for-1 stock split July 13. In one week, Intel stock is
up 13 bucks a share (or 26 bucks a share, pre split). Daaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

In the second quarter, the company repurchased a total of 13 million
shares of Common Stock at a cost of $945 million under an ongoing
program. Since the program began in 1990, the company has repurchased
198.2 million shares at a total cost of $5.6 billion. REPURCHASED 200
MILLION SHARES. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

Employment at the end of the second quarter of 1997 was 57,000, up from
52,000 at the end of the first quarter. Intel hired 5000 people in 3
months? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

I give up. You can't win. You can't even break even any more.


Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory
gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back
is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with this undefinable
whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing
else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup,
or an english toffee, but they're gone too fast, and the taste
is... fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with
hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate
enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with
useless brown paper wrappers.
-- The Guy With the Cigarette (also known as Cancerman), from the
November 17, 1996 episode of The X-Files