Forwarded from an unknown source from an unknown location.
Original author unknown, but assumed to be a lawyer or some other
To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
Sirs: Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention
your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you
statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft
by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all
of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognized
"look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
* Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of
* No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven
into gibbering insanity;
* A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
* Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers
and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of
* Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are
reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only
available at a terrible cost to the user.
* The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the
world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.
As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider
that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for
faces scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of
court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend
the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a
maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of
the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
(Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor)
pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
This Page Elder Sign Protected
Converted to HTML 16 May 1997
by Wayne Coburn
Joseph S. Barrera III <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Phone, Office: (415) 778-8227; Cellular: (415) 601-3719; Home: (415)
The opinions expressed in this message are my own personal views and do
not reflect the official views of Yogsogoth.