Seinfeld Monologues

Dan Kohn (
Mon, 16 Mar 1998 15:33:38 -0800

> Seinfeld Monologues
> With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem
> to
> get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those
> hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted
> to
> do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me
> after
> and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What
> you
> heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the
> results
> to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
> ***
> The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a
> pillow. I
> mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I
> don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the
> difference.
> But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to
> get
> these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with
> a
> suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
> ***
> Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
> music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a
> slick
> surface next to a glass door!
> ***
> It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional
> good-deed
> doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen.
> They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret
> identities.
> They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.
> "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come
> through
> my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am
> I
> supposed to do?"
> ***
> I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be
> making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting.
> They
> just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you
> land.
> Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're
> increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can
> go
> faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come
> on,
> they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
> ***
> The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It
> never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing
> there
> going, "Bye."
> ***
> Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace
> anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish.
> You
> want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet
> paper,
> six cups of coffee, and you go home.
> ***
> Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every
> hour
> is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they
> have
> left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I
> couldn't
> believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh
> no,
> another head case."
> ***
> Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in
> the
> show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time?
> Are
> we
> out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I go,
> "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you
> stay
> for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head,
> we'll
> do
> a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay
> with
> us."
> ***
> The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is
> the
> photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person
> they've
> ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time.
> And
> every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in
> the
> Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter
> administration."
> They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my
> fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted
> to
> make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal check."
> ***
> I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't
> eat
> it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the
> camera,
> "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching.
> Goodbye."
> ***
> Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax."Oh, by the
> way,
> here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can
> they
> tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and
> then
> have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
> ***
> Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the
> little
> book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody
> ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I
> graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview
> mirror
> of
> my Camaro?
> ***
> One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type
> of
> person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but
> that
> sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your
> tired,
> your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's
> open.
> We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched
> refuse?"
> Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly,
> the
> people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they
> can't
> stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if
> they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship,
> if
> they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their
> teeth,
> if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot
> shaving...........In
> other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow
> cattle
> prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
> ***
> Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind
> of
> normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly
> you're
> in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope,
> you
> have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your
> jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels -
> you're
> trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's
> something off in the whole flow of that day.
> ***
> My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of
> people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do
> I."
> Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the
> way
> they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All
> right
> son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young
> man.
> For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come
> down
> till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."