>From a paper in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. A rather nasty (and deserved) skewering
of those bastions of righteousness, the Southern Baptists...
Those fun-loving Southern Baptists are at it again, doing their part to keep
America pure for us lost sheep not smart enough to recognize Satan's
ubiquitous face.
After a year of threats, the Southern Baptist Convention last week called on
its 15.7 million members to boycott Walt Disney Co. and all its subsidiaries,
including those bastions of demonic possession, ABC News, ESPN and the
Anaheim Angels.
It seems the friendly folks who brought us Snow White and Winnie the Pooh are
dealing in the devil's work, and the Baptists aren't going to stand idly by.
I knew the Little Mermaid went too far, baring her belly button. Disney, the
conference believes, is promoting the ultimate sin in the world today. Not
murder, not child abuse, not avarice. The really big one: homosexuality.
By extending health benefits to the same-sex partners of its employees,
Disney might as well be saying gays deserve something more than public
flogging. Talk about anti-Christian values. The devil in mouse ears.
And by having its sitcom character in Ellen come out as a lesbian and even be
played by a real-life lesbian (gasp!) -- Disney is further advancing its
insidious agenda of recognizing that not every American is a white,
middle-income, missionary-style heterosexual with 2.3 children
and a minivan. The Baptists know in their hearts that if Jesus walked among
us today, he'd be the first to deny comfort to the sick based on sexual
orientation. Somebody has to stand up for what's right.
I've heard a lot of people carping about the Southern Baptists, saying they
should mind their own business and quit shoving their intolerance down the
nation's throat. Even some Southern Baptists are complaining. But I am 100
percent behind this boycott.
The way I see it, the more Southern Baptists who stay away from Disney World
this summer, the less time I will end up standing in line with three sweaty,
crabby kids. I just wish I could persuade the Catholics, Episcopalians and
Jews to join in.
I once boycotted Disney World myself. It wasn't out of any moral agenda. I
just couldn't see standing in line for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride when I could be
drinking a beer in the Keys. Then came kids, and there went my one-man
boycott. More boycotts, less hassle.
The last time we ventured to Disney World during summer vacation, we waited
almost two hours under a broiling sun just to buy tickets to get inside the
gates. What we needed that day was a good old-fashioned Christian boycott.
Where are the Southern Baptists when you really need
them?
Now if I can only figure out a way to get them to broaden their attack to
other hotbeds of debauchery. What better place to start than the national
parks. Four men
pressed together on the side of Mount Rushmore, not a woman in sight? Who's
fooling whom?
Besides, there's bears having sex in them woods. If you're as outraged as I
am, stay home. Please, stay home. My favorite beach? All that exposed flesh
has Satan written all over it. Just say no to the beach.
And would all Southern Baptists please boycott Interstate 95, at least while
I'm trying to get to work in the morning. It's a well-known fact that
homosexuals frequent that strip of pavement, and by sharing the blacktop with
them you are only endorsing the anti-family agenda.
How about my Publix on Saturday morning? Any place that openly sells fruit
cocktail and devil's food cake under the same roof, well, need I say more?
I'm warming to this boycott business. The more places the morally superior
among us stay away from, the more room there will be for us lesser mortals.
John Grogan's column appears every Sunday and Wednesday. Write him
at 200 E. Las Olas Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301, or by e-mail:
jgrogn@aol.com