> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft > Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in > eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 > GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft > and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. > > "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and > all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm > anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the > computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." > > Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped > my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington > geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, > and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." > > In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott > all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed > his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," > said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of > "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. > > Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test > justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation > from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of > weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally > found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." > Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival > operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a > radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II > microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by > a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." > > The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why > the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel > chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. > Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." > > Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in > California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all > of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. > The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. > "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." > > Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was > rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying > Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb > the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to > be around when they drop that product a second time."
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Go sell crazy somewhere else,
we're full up here. ...Nicholson