Testamints -- Christian stocking stuffer season 'tis...

Rohit Khare (rohit@uci.edu)
Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:59:40 -0400


Holiday hints from the mail-order Oriental Trading Company in Omaha,
Neb. (www.oriental.com) This catalog of inexpensive novelties is
arranged by theme--sports, luau, dinosaurs, etc. Below, some products
from the "religious"--i.e., Christian--section. Why no other
religions? Forget it, Jake, it's Omaha.

o "3 inch plastic CROSS MAGIC SPRINGS. Electric colors with cross
shape. $13.50 dozen."--The crucifixion as a plastic Slinky. I'm
assuming it ascend the stairs.

colors. $12.00 dozen."--It's just fun to write "relaxable balls."

o "1 3/4 inch vinyl RELIGIOUS EYE POPPERS. Flip the ball inside out,
place it on a hard surface, and watch it pop! Assorted colors and
designs. $4.80 dozen."--Printed with these slogans: "JUMP 4 JOY!" and
"LEAP FOR THE LORD" And yes, it's also fun to write "flip the ball."

o "3 3/4 inch plastic GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PRAYING HANDS. $3.00 dozen"--a
classic. And I'm pretty sure it's not made of that stuff that caused
liver cancer in those lab rats.

o "16 inch 'SMILE! JESUS LOVES YOU' PUNCH BALLS. Assorted colors with
rubber band handles. $6.00 dozen"--I'm no theologian, but what
happened to turn the other punch ball?

o "Stretchable CANDY CROSS JEWELRY. Each with a 1 1/2 inch candy
cross. Individually wrapped. 2 1/2 inch Bracelets $1.95 a dozen 4 1/2
inch Necklaces $3.60 a dozen"--This is my blood, this is my body, and
this is my candy necklace.

o "TESTAMINTS (R) Assorted peppermint, spearmint and wintergreen
flavored mints individually wrapped in Bible verse wrappers.
(Approximately 140 pcs. per lb.) $4.80 Unit (1 lb.)"--Gives you the
confidence that your breath doesn't offend and your soul isn't damned
to hell for all eternity. Nice detail: the "T" in "Testamints" is a
tiny cross.