RE: [administrivia] Get off my topic, biyatch

Date view Thread view Subject view Author view

From: Joseph S. Barrera III (
Date: Mon Oct 09 2000 - 14:01:38 PDT

> From: JTS - MCDLXXXVI []
> After all, this is primarily a list about
> snacks filled with flavored gelatin.

No, this is *primarily* a list for
El-Hazard Anime Fan Fiction. E.g.:

My Girlfriend is a demon-goddess

An El-hazard/Jerry Springer crossover fanfic by

                 Lex Mesman ( )

Right, this fanfiction is written in Script-style, and the texts between
block-brackets [ ] is stuff that happens,
so when people talk to each other, so "JERRY: Babble, babble" means: "Jerry
says: 'Babble babble'" while
[Shayla hits Jerry with a frying pan] means that, well, Shayla hits Jerry
with a frying pan.

I decided on writing the story this way because it's mostly talk, there are
fights (Hey, it's "The Jerry
Springer show"), but it's mostly talking.

Ifurita didn't have much of a personality in most of the OAV-series, so i
winged it a little, making her a
snide wordplayer with a cynical streak a mile wide, who's still
head-over-heels in love with Makoto, but
also fed up with all the other people staking claims to him, everybody's
caricaturised to some extent, to
reflect the Jerry Springer Guest archetypes.

The plot is that Most of the El-Hazard cast were invited to Jerry Springer's
show by some terrible twist of
fate, and they're supposed to discuss the love-polygon that came to be in
the course of their adventures, this
takes place after OAV 1 and OAV 2, as i don't know anything about "The
alternative world"

The seating arrangement (for people who want to visualise things, like i
always try to do) is as follows:
          Miz Mishtal | Afura Mann | Shayla-Shayla | Alielle |
Mr. Fujisawa | Nanami | Makoto | Ifurita | Katsuhiko
Jinnai | Queen Deva

Feel free to E-mail me with comments/suggestions/praise/Somebody should have
had more lines/why-the-
hell-did-you-write-that?-remarks, but keep it reasonable, i will ignore

So here it is:


[Standard intro clip starts, with the sentence: "My girlfriend is a
demon-goddess" coming up on screen with
some dumb visual effect thrown in because, well, that's what talkshow titles
are SUPPOSED to be like,

JERRY: All right, welcome to my show, our guest this evening is Makoto

MAKOTO: Hi jerry!

JERRY: Now, Makoto here has a girlfriend, but there are some people against
this love-affair, Why's that,

MAKOTO: Well, she's a semi-mechanical demon-goddess to begin with...


JERRY: That does sound like it could form a problem in a relationship

MAKOTO: But once you get to know her, she's really a nice girl, but other
people just won't try.


JERRY: Well, let's bring her on stage, here's [messes with cue cards] "Demon
goddess Ifurita"

[Ifurita comes on stage and sits down to the right of Makoto, laying her
staff down on the floor between her
and Makoto]

IFURITA: Hi, Jerry!

JERRY: Hello Ifurita, nice to have you on the show, so what's your side of
the story?

IFURITA: Well, Makoto has been so nice to me, he saved me from an eternity
of slavery, for instance.


JERRY: I guess that DOES forge some kind of bond

IFURITA: He worked for years to be by my side again, i would drift through
Inter-dimensional limbo for
ten thousand years for him.

JERRY: It says here you DID. at least you keep your promises.

[Audience laughs at Jerry's bad joke, Jerry fidgets with cue cards again]

JERRY: But here's somebody who says that Ifurita's HIS, let's welcome a new
guest: Katsuhiko Jinnai!

[Katsuhiko comes on stage, already hopping mad, sits down on the free chair
next to Ifurita]

JINNAI: How could you DO this to me? I'm the one who activated you!!

IFURITA: And then forced me to destroy a large city, which was kind of a bad
move, from an interpersonal
point of view.

JERRY: Well, no relation's perfect.

JINNAI: you betrayed me for Makoto Mizuhara! (Pronounces Makoto's name as
if it was a curse)

IFURITA: Hey, if you didn't make so many disparaging remarks while winding
me up, and didn't make me
destroy cities and didn't.

JERRY: (with in the background Ifurita still summing up things Jinnai did to
her) Let's go to a commercial

[Commercial break with commercials endorsing a strange combination of
completely useless and instantly
forgettable junk available by mail-order]

IFURITA: .And activating the trigger of destruction, goosing me in that
hall, and of course trying to hurt
my dear Makoto! [Ifurita looks at Makoto with "Oh my poor dear"-look in her
eyes, as pioneered by Miz]

JERRY: Well, here's somebody who also wants Katsuhiko to stop chasing after
Ifurita, here's Deva, queen
of the bugrom, ruler of the.

[Jerry flips over the cue card to read the rest of Deva's "Titles"]

JERRY: Omnipotent Bugrom empire, protector of insects across El-Hazard and
occupant of Thrones

[Deva walks onto the stage, sits down at the far right, next to Jinnai]

DEVA: Mr. Jinnai, you shouldn't get so stuck on Ifurita, i DID say that she'
d be more trouble than she was

IFURITA: WHAT?! Nasty remarks? From the roach queen? I think this is a case
of calling the kettle black,
here, as i recall YOU're stuck on Jinnai (for whatever reason), he doesn't
care for anything but power.

DEVA: That's not true, he also wants justice for the bugrom race, right Mr.

JINNAI: Huh? Sorry, i was having one of my "megalomaniac lapses" again.

[Jinnai starts laughing hysterically, after a while of continuous hysteric
laughter, his face turns blue and he
apparently has trouble breathing, Deva quickly applies the Tyrantomide
inhaler, Jinnai's face turns normal
again and he sits down again]

IFURITA: Why do you care anyway? Jinnai has no charisma at all and he's got
illusions of grandeur to

DEVA: I am -and will always remain- faithful to Mr. Jinnai, which is more
than can be said of you!

IFURITA: Well, if you'd destroy cities like i can, maybe he would waddle
after YOU like he does with ME!

JERRY: That sounds nasty, well, here's somebody who says that Makoto let her
drop like a brick for
Ifurita, here's Nanami Jinnai!

[Nanami walks on stage, hits Jinnai over the head in passing, then sits down
on the chair left of Makoto]

NANAMI: Makoto, what are you doing with her, she tried to kill you several
times already, what if she gets
murderous again?

[Ifurita looks decidedly P-ed off, after Jinnai's ranting, this is the last
thing she's waiting for]

JERRY: She seems quite capable of snuffing somebody out right now though.

IFURITA: One more peep out of you and i will snuff you out!
[Ifurita points at Jerry, the audience starts booing]

MAKOTO: Please listen, Nanami! I LOVE Ifurita, and she loves me, she gave
10,000 years of her life for
me, i saw her soul, i can't help but love her!

IFURITA: You heard the man, so go sell some packed lunches or something, but
leave my Makoto and me

NANAMI: He's not your property, you know!

JINNAI: Now, she IS my property, though. [points at Ifurita]

[Ifurita gives Jinnai her patented "OAV 1, Episode 7 post-liberation
backhand", causing Katsuhiko and his
chair to tip over backwards, stage guards put the chair back up again and
hoist Jinnai into it, he's having a
monstrous nosebleed]

NANAMI: See? If she has one of those violent urges near Makoto, he's toast!

IFURITA: Well, Makoto doesn't stick a little flag on my head and claim me,
so i don't GET any violent

[Jinnai quickly hides a little flag with his face on it he was holding]

JERRY: Here's the teacher of Nanami, Makoto and Katsuhiko, let's hear what
he has to say about this,
here's: Masamichi Fujisawa

[Fujisawa comes on stage, sits down on the free chair next to Nanami]

JERRY: So, what do YOU think about the relationship between Makoto and

FUJISAWA: Well, Makoto found his true love, Nanami and Jinnai just have to
face facts, Makoto and
Ifurita have made their choices, and they chose for each other.

NANAMI: But sensei, she's a MACHINE, and a killer to boot!

FUJISAWA: They both sacrificed a lot to be together, so that should be the
proof of their love, besides, the
biggest blemish on the reputation of Shinonome high is the stuff Jinnai did
himself and forced Ifurita to do!

JINNAI: But she's MINE! What did Makoto do that lets HIM have her?

FUJISAWA: Well, EX-student president Jinnai. (Jinnai droops and starts to
cry, Deva tries to support
him) .Makoto managed to win Ifurita's heart, while all YOU did was make her
wreck stuff, NOT her idea
of a "nice day out", i might add.

JERRY: Okay, let's bring on somebody ELSE who claims Makoto dumped her for
Ifurita, here's Shayla-
Shayla, fire priestess of mount Muldoon!"

[Shayla comes on stage, yelling at everybody on stage (except Makoto) in
turn, and sits down behind
Makoto and Ifurita]

SHAYLA: You wind-up bimbo, Makoto's MINE! He loves me!

IFURITA: Sure! I guess trying to roast him at the springs of Arliman was
just a gesture of friendship?

SHAYLA: You almost did him in at the forbidden island!

IFURITA: That was different, Jinnai made me do that! I couldn't do anything
to stop myself!! (Ifurita folds
her arms and pouts)

SHAYLA: Well now I'M going to stop you!

[Shayla dives at Ifurita, who immediately takes a defensive stance, Stage
guards rush on stage, only to be
fought off by both Shayla and Ifurita, a hefty fight takes place, shredding
most of the background scenery
as fireballs, energybolts and of course Shayla and Ifurita themselves fly
all over the place, Everybody on
stage scrambles for cover as Fujisawa tries to stop the fighting and get on
with the show.
After the two combatants are separated by Fujisawa, all the chairs are set
up again on the now-damaged
podium, in the background, technicians are busy replacing cameras, and
corpses among the audience are
taken away, the survivors among the audience get up again, and the guests
who wisely fled the area slowly
return again, a headcount of the stageguards reveals Steve to be missing, he
's lying on the floor, still
singeing slightly]

JERRY: Oh my god! They killed Steve!!

DIRECTOR: You bastards!

IFURITA: Actually it was just Shayla's doing, look at the smoke and
scorchmarks, surefire remains of one
of Shayla's tantrums (Sly grin)

[Shayla's temper flares up again, visible by the fire coming off the power
gems in her clothes and headband]

SHAYLA: How do we know it wasn't you copying one of my attacks, huh?

IFURITA: Three words: "your" "attacks" "SUCK!", i've farted more powerful
blasts than that! I wouldn't
copy your attacks if they were the only ones i knew! had i done something
like that, he'd be vaporised!

SHAYLA: Yeah right! PROVE IT!

[Ifurita picks up her staff, aims it at some random woman in the audience
and lets rip with a man-size
energy blast, vaporising her target and severely injuring several others,
also blowing a hole in the back wall
of the studio, the outside air and the ciy skyline can be seen through the
hole, all that's left of Ifurita's target
is a pair of shoes with stubs of leg in them.]

IFURITA: There, point proven

SHAYLA: (grudging) Damn.

JERRY: Right, back to the subject at hand, Makoto, didn't you ever notice
anything by Nanami or Shayla-
Shayla's behavior?

MAKOTO: Well, no, Shayla tried to roast me several times.

SHAYLA: Repeat that and you can add one more time!

MAKOTO: .and Nanami denied we were "an item", if you will, when she was
asked about it.

NANAMI: Asked by one of those phantom smurfs, i might add, i had something
else on my mind at the time
than getting the facts straight for murderous lunatics.

IFURITA: What facts? Has Makoto ever explicitly declared romantic-type-love
to either of you?

[Stunned silence, Ifurita smiles slyly again]

JERRY: OK, Mr Fujisawa, as teacher, what do you think about all this?

FUJISAWA: It's a disgrace to the honored name of Shinonome high school, to
have students behave
themselves like the Jinnai siblings have, Katsuhiko: remember what the
school counsellor told you:
"Conquering the world is bad, Mmkay?", remember? REMEMBER !?

[Jinnai looks at the floor, seemingly ashamed of himself]

JINNAI: Yes, sensei

NANAMI: He's faking it, the only thing he's ashamed of is that he messed up
and got caught!

FUJISAWA: And you, Nanami: Makoto has found HIS love, it's time for you to
go find YOURS, just like i


JERRY: Shayla, next up are two people who have something to tell you: here
are Afura Mann and Miz

[Afura and Miz step on stage, almost tripping over some charred bits of
decor, Miz sits down behind
Fujisawa, and Afura seats herself between Miz and Shayla]

JERRY: Right, what is it that you have to tell Shayla-Shayla?

AFURA: Well, Shayla, face it: you lost out, but maybe it's more of a
blessing, you'll be independent for a
while now, just watch out for Fatora and Alielle, they've been suspiciously
quiet lately.

MIZ: Shayla, you should have pursued Makoto's love in a more. Aggressive

IFURITA: What? Even MORE aggressive than usual?


[Ifurita folds her arms and grins as Shayla's headband gem begins to flare
up, as it always does when
Shayla's furious. Miz looks at Ifurita in a rather unappreciative way]

MIZ: As i was TRYING to say: you should do things the way I did them when my
dear Masamichi
proposed to me.

AFURA: Which part, boozing him up so he'll propose in a drunken stupor, or
play Damsel In Distress for
most of a videotape, so he'll get a chance to rescue you, feel good about
himself and THEN propose?

[Big sweatbead on Afura's head, as both Miz and Fujisawa glare at her

MIZ: I'll have you know that Masamichi and me are very happy together!

MAKOTO: As would Ifurita and me be if you people would just get off our

JERRY: Good point, so why doesn't everybody just leave everybody else alone?

JINNAI: NEVER!!! Ifurita's mine, she's mine i tell you!

IFURITA: Say that once more and i'll make you regret it..

[Jinnai stands up defiantly in front of Ifurita and starts taunting her, in
response, Ifurita hits him in the groin
with the head of her staff in a fast upward swing, Jinnai curls up and lies
on the podium, softly moaning,
everyone else on the podium wince, and Fujisawa and Makoto cross their legs,
just to be on the safe side]


JERRY: I'm sure that was a convincing argument for your case, let's just say
you hit the mark with that

AFURA: Now we can safely assume Jinnai no longer has the balls to bother

SOME SCHMO IN THE AUDIENCE: huh huh heh heh, she said "Balls", heh heh huh

DEVA: Oh no, i was just planning to breed a new generation of bugrom with

JERRY: I'm sure there are other volunteers for that, now aren't there?

[The audience remains silent, fearing the worst]

AFURA: One'd think that at least SOME people here would be overcome with

IFURITA: Yeah, but think about the. kids.


[Jinnai finally gained his composure again, and crawls back onto his chair,
still visibly uncomfortable]

JERRY: Now here are the final two guests, who say it isn't fair that all of
the pretty girls are taken, or at
least believe that IF all the girls were accounted for, at least SOME of
them should be with them.

SHAYLA: Oh no.

AFURA: God have mercy.

JERRY: .Here are Alielle and Princess Fatora

[Alielle and Princess Fatora get on stage, Alielle quickly takes the seat
next to Shayla-Shayla, and Fatora
takes the last empty seat, next to Alielle]

FATORA: HEY, i was supposed to be named first, i'm of royal lineage so i
SHOULD be mentioned first.

IFURITA: i know i should've dropped her in mid-flight when i brought her
back from the stairway to the

NANAMI: Royal, my foot! Royal pain in the arse, at best!

JERRY: It says here that you also have a problem with all the romance
occurring around you.

FATORA: Yeah, all those pretty women around me and none of them will get
within a country mile of me!

ALIELLE: But you always have me around, don't you Fatora?

SHAYLA: When you're not chasing after me, that is.

IFURITA: Though it eludes me why she'd do THAT.


ALIELLE: I always go for girls with red hair!

SHAYLA: Why not go for blue hair, i heard that's even cooler.

IFURITA: In this case, the risks outweigh the potential gains, trust me on
this one.


IFURITA: Try it and DIE!

ALIELLE: Oh. (meekly)

FATORA: Look, it isn't fair, all the pretty girls are too preoccupied with.
men. (A tone of disgust is in
her voice)

ALIELLE: They could have US, we're plenty eager and up for anything.

SHAYLA: Great, how's about you two eagerly get LOST!

FATORA: Look at you! Both you and Nanami are running after a guy who's
desperately trying to get you
to back off because he already has a girlfriend!

JERRY: Good point, what do you have to say about that?

NANAMI: Say Fatora, can't you bug Ifurita instead of us?

FATORA: No thanks, Ifurita scares the heck out of me!


ALIELLE: Besides, i always go for redheads.

SHAYLA: I'm doomed.

NANAMI: At least i don't have to worry about Alielle then.

FATORA: Yeah, it'll be just you and me.

NANAMI: Oh no! Makoto, please help me! I've got the lesbian princess from
hell tailing me!

JERRY: Hey, that'd make a great subject for a later show!

MAKOTO: I'm sorry, but i can't help you here, i'm glad Ifurita hasn't had
any hassle with Fatora as yet.

[Alielle jumps Shayla, Shayla tries to dodge, but in doing so bumps into

ALIELLE: We'll have such great times together!

AFURA: Great, but leave ME out of it.

[Afura pushes back, making Shayla -With Alielle clinging on to her- bump
into Fatora, everybody on stage
starts getting annoyed at the "Lescapades" going on]

FATORA: Hey watch out! fight if you want to, but leave me out of it!

SHAYLA: Aw, pike it you lesbo queen! Nobody asked you anything!

DEVA: Yeah, who invited her for this anyway?

IFURITA: I did, to keep our flammable redhead and "miss Dollarsigns" out of
my hair.


[Nanami slaps Ifurita, Makoto tries to intervene to keep things quiet,
Fatora, Alielle, Afura and Shayla are
engaged in a slapfight in the background]
IFURITA: I'll get you for that!

NANAMI: Just you try it, Robo-doll!

[Ifurita and Nanami try to hit each other, but Makoto's standing in between
them, being squashed by his old
and his new girlfriend]

MAKOTO: I'm gonna die!

JERRY: Guys, calm down! Stageguards! Stageguards! Wherefore art the F***ING

[The survivors of the stageguard team are cowering at the back of the
studio, writing letters of resignation
and/or their last will and testament]

SHAYLA: Makoto! Get out of here so i can handle Ifurita!

IFURITA: "Handle" me? Like you did last time, when i kicked your sorry butt?

[Shayla-Shayla and Ifurita manage to get Makoto out from between them and
start fighting again,
inbetween all the fighting going on, Jinnai, Deva, Fujisawa and Miz sit and
look on, trying to mind their
own business when Miz gets hit in the head with a flying prop book from the
remnants of the background]

FUJISAWA: RIGHT! Who threw that? Who threw that book? Always one, isn't
there? Always one.

[The fighting stops abruptly as everybody freezes at Fujisawa's outburst,
Fatora stops in the middle of
swinging a left hook at Afura]

JINNAI: It was Makoto, i saw him throw the prop book!

MAKOTO: That's not true! Katsuhiko, you PR*CK!

[Makoto swings and hits Jinnai in the face sending him reeling and setting
his nosebleed going again]

JERRY: Well, that'll teach him.

DEVA: How DARE you? Hitting my spermdon- uh, i mean boyfriend!

[Deva attacks Makoto, slapping him for all she's worth]

MAKOTO: I'm gonna die! . again!

IFURITA: Hey, Alielle: Shayla just said she DOES love you, but is afraid to
admit it!

[Ifurita quickly pushes Shayla away, who falls in the loving-maniacal
embrace of Alielle, giving Ifurita a
chance to deal with Deva]

ALIELLE: Oh, i knew you loved me, there's no need to be shy, i'll be really
discreet about it.

SHAYLA: HELP ME! Hey, let go of those!
[Alielle clings onto Shayla's legs, making her lose her balance and fall off
the stage into what's left of the
backstage area]

IFURITA: Right, as for you, Cockroach queen! Look what i found under
Katsuhiko's bed, when i was still
subject to his crazy commands he told me to clean his room one time, and
look what i found!

[Ifurita holds up a copy of a hentai manga titled "Trussed up and loving
 it!" with a cover picture of an
anime style girl, well, trussed up like a pig in rope, gagged and all and,
by the look of things. well.
loving it.]

DEVA: WHAT? Mr. Jinnai? A pervert?

JINNAI: That. That's not mine!

IFURITA: Isn't? explain this then: (Ifurita flips the manga open and reads
from the inside of the front
cover) "This object is the sole posession of the great and glorious
Katsuhiko Jinnai, steal this at your own

FUJISAWA: Jinnai? Into bondage? How low can the image of Shinonome high
school plunge?

NANAMI: I knew he was weird, but i didn't think of him as kinky, though
there WERE signs.

AFURA: What's all the ruckus about, anyway? What's this "Hentai" stuf you're
talking about?

MAKOTO: Never saw Hentai Manga before, huh? Here, take a look for yourself.

[Makoto swipes the manga from Katsuhiko's hands, while he's still occupied
trying to explain all this to
Deva, who moved her chair away from Jinnai's in protest, Afura nonchalantly
takes the manga, but starts
blushing profoundly as she reads a portion of it]

AFURA: You dirty little PERVO! No wonder you ended up like this!

MIZ: Let me see that! What's so special about it?

FUJISAWA: Trust me, you don't WANT to see it!

[Shayla walks back on stage, with Alielle clinging to one leg, enabling
Shayla to walk again, albeit dragging
the leg with Alielle "Attached" to it slightly]

SHAYLA: GIMME! Let's see. what this is all.

[Shayla falls silent as she starts blushing too, soon her face is about as
red as her hair]


[As Shayla and Afura rush over to Jinnai to beat the crud out of him, Shayla
drops the Manga, Alielle lets
go of Shayla's leg, picks it up and starts reading]

JINNAI: I'm innocent i tell you! Honest! I would NEVER read comics like
those! Really!

[Jinnai's pleas are pretty much ignored as Afura and Shayla pummel Jinnai's
face into the floor]


DEVA: Fat change, Bondage boy! Chances are you're ENJOYING that!

JERRY: Ooh, looks like quite a predicament you've got there, Katsuhiko.

MAKOTO: Hey, Alielle, what do you think about the comic book?

ALIELLE: Pretty tame, really, Fatora and i got more twisted than THIS ages

[Everybody on stage sweatbeads, including Jinnai, who's still in the middle
of being mangled mercilessly by
Afura and Shayla]

JERRY: Right, that's all the time we have here, i'll be back with my final
thought right after these

[Another commercial block, this time featuring ads for compilation-tapes of
"Too twisted for TV" footage
from previous Jerry Springer shows.
As the messages end, everybody's sitting on the ground, as there's no
workable furniture left in the studio,
Jinnai is bleeding profusely and his left arm bends funny, but at least he
still looks alive]

JERRY: Sometimes it's hard to swallow when somebody has found Miss or Mr.
Right, but, it's their
choice, so the best thing one can do in this situation is let things run
their course and see how things pan out,
or you can interfere all you want and try to derail the relation, but if you
do, let me know, so i can make a
show out of this.
Take care of yourself and each other.

[Camera goes blank, and as the director yells "CUT!" two stagelights fall

SHAYLA: OK, who's up for a hamburger?

AFURA: Count me in, but i won't eat those McDonalds things.

[Everybody leaves the studio by a big hole in the wall caused by a stray
energybolt during one of the many
fights, Makoto and Ifurita walk Arm-in-Arm, as do Miz and Fujisawa, the rest
just follow.]

MAKOTO: Say Ifurita.


MAKOTO: Why'd you hang onto that comic book anyway?

IFURITA: Well, it's actually not Katsuhiko's, i found it under YOUR bed and
forged his handwriting for
the note on the front cover, you didn't think i was going to lug one of
Katsuhiko's pervo-comics around
with me, did you?

MAKOTO: Now that you mention it, where is it anyway? It was my favorite!


You can stop reading now, the story is over.

Date view Thread view Subject view Author view

This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Tue Oct 10 2000 - 20:13:54 PDT