What do men want? What do women want?

I Find Karma (adam@milliways.cs.caltech.edu)
Tue, 16 Sep 1997 00:04:21 -0700 (PDT)


I know the myth is that men want:

Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the
house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha
Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a
Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ
of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened.

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first
put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the
magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear
your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking
Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to
tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the
master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:

Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:

1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes,
all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one
pair of church shoes. That's it.

2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple:
Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't.

3. THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect
me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of
nunchucks, all right?

4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
fifty-seventh time?

5. FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
"You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."

6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like
that at "The Drink" when I was single.

7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship
lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because
Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme
instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't
want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all

9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you
don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried
crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and
then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"

10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this
testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if
that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?


Now, the inevitable follow-up: what do WOMEN want? Nowadays it seems
like women want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a
man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is
that women want: Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when
they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in
'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top
it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll
never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to
men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis,
all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't
like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women
are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.

1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they
possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child
care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off
welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress
blathering about orphanages.

4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look
at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You
could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!!

5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT IT!!!!!!

6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words
are kind of important.

7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to
have women their own age in their videos.

8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should
know if she came.

9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for

10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your
sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort
at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how
about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?


Sex is not dentistry, the slick filling of aches and cavities.
-- Margaret Atwood