AOL Carpet-Deluges Reluctant Prospects
Dissatisfied with the rate of adoption of its online service by some parts of
the United States, AOL is literally drenching those regions with sign-up
disks. "We've got millions of the little disks dropping out of refurbished
Soviet Air Force bombers," said an AOL representative, "and we're prepared to
keep it up until our subscriber base hits 20 million."
Microsoft Buys Netscape
Citing the event as a new era of cooperation and industry peace, Bill Gates
today announced Microsoft's purchase of Netscape. Said Gates, "Hopefully now
the world knows we're serious about the Web." Microsoft's first move will be
to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape
Explorer) browser due this year. "When we release this version," said Gates,
"all Web access will be MINE."
Sun, Apple, and DEC Retaliate with Merger
Combining the staffs of these three computer giants into a single firm, the
newly named SAD Corp. announced today its resolve to battle the
Microsoft/Netscape team. "Starting today," a SAD representative said, "every
person who uses our soon-to-be-released Web browser will receive 10 dollars of
Gates Joins Clinton Campaign, Buys Department of Justice
Bill Gates hopped on the Clinton team as campaign treasurer and subsequently
purchased the Department of Justice. In a joint statement, the two Bills said,
"These moves show not only the breadth of industry's support for the Clinton
team, but also the president's commitment to reducing federal spending."
Oracle Ships OfficeDecaf for $9.99
"It's a new world," said Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, "and we need new software
at new prices." In demonstrations on a prototype network computer, Oracle
representatives stressed the HTML-like approach of its Java-based line-editing
products. "Forget the complexity and computing requirements of Word or
WordPerfect," Ellison said. "HTML is the world, and the world will be happy
with text-formatting commands."
CBS Brings Prime Time to the Web
Claiming its move is proof that the Web is ready for prime time, the
last-place network today announced that all of its prime-time television shows
will now be available free on the Web. "While we still have to work a few
kinks out of the online advertising model," a network representative said,
"we're sure we'll be ready by the time anyone is watching any of our shows."
Municipal Water Authorities to Bid for Local Access
Adding to the flood of interest in providing local access to homes, municipal
water authorities are bidding for local access rights. "We already have the
fattest pipe into every home," said a New York water authority representative.
"It's high time we capitalized on it."
Reading and pondering all this news eventually took its toll on us. Our eyes
glazed over, and our heads fell on our keyboards. When we woke up, we realized
it had all been just a bad dream, a scary launch to 1996's April Fools' Day!