The best bits:
Pixar to buy Apple
"It was a completely logical move, which I'd been contemplating ever since I joined the board of directors [in 1994]," Amelio
went on. "I looked at Apple's work over the last five years or so and saw immediately that Apple was really in the business of
giving demos about technology that they never had and never intended to release. People were shelling out big bucks to watch
this stuff at Macworld Expo and the World Wide Developers Conference. For a while early on it had looked like folks might
catch on to the fact that all the so-called demos were just animations, but we started interspersing occasional screen shots of
MacsBug and the critics went wild."
"Meanwhile, the actual development effort had become a complete financial sinkhole," Amelio continued. "I realized quickly that
we could save a lot of time and expenditure by cutting development out altogether. Computers and entertainment have been linked
from the start; Apple has been marketing computer-based fiction for years and now we're going into it full time."
Smoking Newtons, Batman! After a flurry of industry speculation about the fate of its underappreciated handheld
technology, Apple has sold its Newton line to the highest bidder, the RJR Nabisco Holdings Corp. (RN), parent company of the
independently traded Nabisco, Inc. (NA) and creator of cigarette lines Camel, Winston, and Salem. As a result of the sale,
Nabisco's well-known Fig Newton line will gain a new member - the Cig Newton.
Additionally, no comment was offered when asked if the company
would offer a similar Cig Newton aimed at children, based on the eMate design and sporting a Joe Camel face.
The PowerBook Secret
by Tsgne Aynot <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Although much of Apple was acquired by Pixar Animations Studio (see the related article earlier in this issue), some hardware
divisions were sold off. In a move that surprised many industry analysts, the PowerBook division was exchanged for a $1
million gem-encrusted brassiere (reportedly now worn by Ellen Hancock in Apple/Pixar soaps) and will now be under the control
of the well-known lingerie chain, Victoria's Secret.
Said Kelly Kahn, VP of Technology Acquisitions, "Modern women don't just want to look great, they want to function
effectively in a chaotic, information-rich world. PowerBooks are the management tool of choice, and we look forward to
improving the line to better meet fashion needs. Take the stylish eMate 300: we plan to move the PowerBook line in that
direction, with more colorful, fun looking cases, slimmer profiles, and vastly improved customer support."
Hey, it couldn't hurt!
More fun at http://www.computerworld.com/news/news_articles/970331aprilfool.html