Fat Bastard: A 2001 Year-End Proctoscopy By Dr. Diablo

Jeff Bone jbone@jump.net
Mon, 31 Dec 2001 12:32:50 -0600

Dec. 31, 2001 (El Rancho Diablo, TX)

Ah, clones and mugwumps and dwellers and trolls and necks!  We made
it!  Dr. Diablo here reporting live from the Red Rum Room, my command
central, sanctum sanctorum if you will, the heart of our worldwide
operation here at El Rancho Diablo in the Texas Hill Country.  Just
settling in to watch the annual march of insanity around the globe.
Ah yes, bathed in the glow of 20 wallpanel HDTVs reflecting off the
naked hides of the Hell's Honeys and my orgiastic guests, swimming in
bourbon and hash smoke...

Hang on a sec, need to load more hash in the hookah.  Trixie, get off
my nob for a second.  (These Hell's Honeys, you just can't get them
to do anything but fuck, fuck, suck.  Bunny, Leesha:  extract Trixie
from my nob and go mow each other's lawns!  No, no, sorry, string her
up in The Device and whip her a bit!)

(short pause)

Aaaaahhhh....  there.  Much better.  Het woord hasjiesj is
oorspronkelijk het Arabische woord voor kruiden in het algemeen en is
pas later in verband gebracht met de cannabis-plant. Sinds 1192 wordt
hasjiesj in verband gebracht met de sekte van de Hashisyun...
ummm...  sorry, where was I?

Just wanted to say a few words about 2001.  What a Fat Fucking
Bastard, huh?  I mean jee-zus H, we thought 2000 was bad.  2000 WAS
bad.  2000 and 2001 were just one long miserable progressive string
of bad, weren't they?  Let's recap a few of the top events, no
particular order:

* insanity of dot-com bubble, misery of inevitable collapse
* presidential election won by bad ballot forms, dirty tricks
* we elected the dumbest US president in history
* slide into recession
* tech industry devastated by lay-offs
* venture capital goes into hibernation
* IT spending plummeting
* Microsoft looks to get off easy
* Harry Fucking Potter?!?
* content owners madly at war with their customers
* all sorts of insane anti-tech legislation
* human cloning breeds fear, panic
* fetal stem cell research curtailed
* consumers lose interest with Web, Internet
* decentralization becomes suspicious, subversive
* Ginger turns out to be a fucking scooter
* complete lapse of confidence in consumer e-com
* terrorists take down the WTC, try for Pentagon
* republicanism up, democracy down (not talking parties)
* a bunch of mediaevalists in Afghanistan?!?
* surveillance nation kicks into high gear
* Israel.  Palestine.  Grrr...
* irrationalism in vogue
* Nuclear powers (India and Pakistan) chest-thumping
* civil liberties on (permanent?) vacation
* dumbest US president in history also most popular
* born-again nutball as atty. general
* Islamic world poised for global jihad
* Brittany Spears, 'N Sync, etc. (cough cough cough)
* Left / right war brewing over open source
* China gets feisty over downed airplane
* bye bye fair use
* bye bye all illusions of privacy
* bye bye freedom of expression
* hello fundamentalism
* hello nationalism
* hello discrimination
* more crap

And them's just the tip of the iceberg.  Jee-zus H.  JEE-ZUS H.  I
for one am *fucking glad* to see this Fat Bastard go.  Goodbye, good
riddance!  Trixie, get back over here and bring more hash!  We're
gonna party like it's 1999, babesy!  Woo hoo!

Su socio perpetuo en crimen del pensamiento,
Votre associé perpétuel dans le crime de pensée,
Ihr unaufhörlicher Partner im Gedanke Verbrechen,
Il vostro socio perpetuo nel crimine di pensiero,
Seu sócio perpetual no crime do pensamento,

Rt. Rev. Dr. Thaddeus J. Diablo, JD, ThD, MD, PhD, MSCE
El Rancho Diablo,
MB2 Route 666,
The Hills, TX  77666

DISCLAIMER:  Dr. Diablo's thoughts and words and lies and so forth
are entirely his own, and do not represent the opinions, actions,
attitudes, and so forth of one Jeff Bone, who will probably have a
pretty lame New Year's at home this year, certainly not involving any
hash and probably not involving any Hell's Honeys --- at least not
more than a couple of them. :-)