How- To kit for Writing the Blues

Lorin Rivers
Tue, 29 Jan 2002 10:55:57 -0600

Apropos of nothing...

How-to write the Blues:

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues,'less you stick
something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes ...sort of: "Got a good woman... with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a
ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.
Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a.   highway
b.   jailhouse
c.   empty bed
d.   bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a.   Ashrams
b.   gallery openings
c.   Ivy League institutions
d.   golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a.   you're older than dirt
b.   you're blind
c.   you shot a man in Memphis
d.   you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a.   you have all your teeth
b.   you were once blind but now can see
c.   the man in Memphis lived.
d.   you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other
acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blue way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the
Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing
the blues. You best destroy it--with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or
get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

Lorin Rivers                      512.263.1233 x712 v
Vice President of Marketing       512.263.1441 f
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