[SPORK] I'd love to see...

Jeff Bone jbone at deepfile.com
Wed Apr 9 14:01:18 PDT 2003

John Ashcroft perform on American Idol.  Oh, what I wouldn't give...


Seacrest:  Let's see what our judges say...

Randy:  Yo, John, dog, what was you thinkin'?  Uh, that was, man, like, 
I didn't dig it at all.  Your song choice, was, well, what the hell 
song was that?  You wrote that, dog?  Don't quit your day job, bro.  I 
didn't dig it at all...

Paula:  Well, John.  Nice suit.  You definitely made that song your 
own.  I'm mean, it wasn't very good, but you definitely got up there 
and did your thing.  I wasn't really thrilled by the song, I thought it 
was kind of, you know, corny, but...  good job, I guess.  Didn't really 
do it for me, though.

Simon:  [looks at Paula, Randy]  You Americans are, are, are --- 
fucking smoking crack, I swear it!  You're letting this moron off that 
easily?  [looks at Ashcroft]  DREADFUL!  DISASTROUS!  A COMPLETE TRAIN 
WRECK!  That was one of the worst songs I've ever heard, and one of the 
worst performances I've ever heard!  My god, I couldn't wait for it to 
be over!  If it had gone on thirty seconds more, I might've had to 
commit suicide!  Seriously, I was looking around for sharp implements 
to shove into my brain pan!  Who told you you could write songs?  And 
what in HELL are you doing singing?  You sound like a zombie, and the 
song itself was just, well, there aren't words for how bad that was!  
My god, even Leonard Nimoy is a better singer than you are, and he's 
abysmal!  The only positive thing I can say about the whole package is 
that you aren't the worst singer in the world:  we found that guy 
earlier this season, the "Like a Virgin" guy.  You're not that bad, but 
--- second worst singer in the world, one of the worst songwriters.  
I've got two words for you:  PATHETIC LOSER.  Sorry.  Don't quit your 
day job.

Seacrest:  [to Ashcroft]  So John, the judges were pretty harsh.  How 
did you feel about your performance?

Ashcroft:  Well, Ryan, I just did my best.  That song is about America, 
God's own country.  That song IS America.  I just got up there and, you 
know...  The spirit of Jesus Christ just entered my soul and sang 
through me, so if people don't vote for me, well, then they're just 
anti-American Satanists or something.  But I'll prevail --- the forces 
of Christian goodness and light and Ralph Reed will make their voices 
heard.  I mean, who wouldn't vote for Jesus Christ?

Seacrest:  [sotto voce]  Fucking nutball...  [looks at camera]  Tell us 
what you think, America.  If you'd like to vote for John Ashcroft, call 
us at 1866436570x....



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