[SPORK, FUNNY] Rick Santorum's Sex Advice

Jeff Bone jbone at deepfile.com
Fri Apr 25 15:28:56 PDT 2003

 From the Doctorow files today...  I'll be calling the Senator later 
this afternoon for advice.  See below for my own script. ;-)


Senator Rick Santorum's Guide to Appropriate Sex


Scarlet Pimpernel writes:
Below is a verbatim transcript of my call this morning to Senator Rick 
Santorum's Office.

SSO: "Senator Santorum's office."

Me: "Hello there... took me awhile to get through. Guess you're pretty 
busy what with all this going on."

SSO: "Yes."

Me: "Well I just wanted you to know that my wife and I are big 
supporters of the Senator, but we have just one question..."

SSO: "Yes?"

Me: "Does oral sex between a husband and wife, when they're both 
consenting... does that constitute sodomy?"

SSO: "Umm.. no. It does not."

Me: "HOT DAMN! (calling out to wife:) HONEY? GREAT NEWS!"

SSO: (stifles laugh)

Me: "Thank You. Thank You Very Much. Just one more thing..."

SSO: "Yes?"

Me: "How does the Senator feel about doggy-style?"

SSO: "Umm... I can't really speak for the Senator on that."

Me: "Oh Well... Thanks Again!" (Hangs up.)

If you've got questions for the Senator concerning appropriate sexual 
behavior, why not give him a call? (202) 224-6324


(JB's call script.  NB, I haven't placed the call yet, this is totally 

SSO: "Senator Santorum's office."

Me: "Hi there, you guys must be busy."

SSO: "Yes we are.  Can I help you?"

Me: "I just wanted to say that I think I totally support the Senator 
and think the he's just great, just a fine American."

SSO: "Okay, thanks, I'll let him know.  Did you have a question or 
other comment?"

Me: "Does anal sex between a husband and wife, when they're both 
consenting... does that constitute sodomy?"

SSO: "Umm.. yes. It does."

Me: "Hmmm...  okay.  So what if both of you had gone out, gotten, um, a 
little drunk, and it was accidental?"

SSO: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "I mean, you know, what if we were both a little lit, and, um, my 
aim was just off.  What if it just went in the wrong place?"

SSO: "Umm...  I don't know."

Me:  "And what if she liked it?"

SSO: "Umm..."

Me: "Has that ever happened to you?  I mean, what would you do?"

SSO: "I don't know!  No!  I, uh, don't drink..."

Me: "So do you think I should turn myself in, or something?  What's the 
patriotic, Christian thing to do?"

SSO: "I'll be happy to pass along your comments to the Senator..."

Me:  "And so, like, she liked it, and is constantly begging me for 
more.  Is that, like, perverted?  Should I divorce her?"

SSO:  "I'm sorry, I don't think I can help with that.  I'm going to 
have to take another call -"

Me:  "But if I divorce her, the kids will be all screwed up.  The 
Senator believes in family, right?"

SSO:  "Yes, the Senator is a strong supporter of families and family 
values -"

Me:  "So the Senator wants me to keep giving it to her in the backside 
so my kids don't have a broken home, right?"

SSO:  "Ummm..."

Me:  "But see, I feel uneasy now about all that.  I don't want to go to 
jail.  Tell you what...  Could the Senator come over and give my wife a 
little backdoor action?  For my kids' sakes, of course?"

SSO:  (silence)

Me:  "Thanks, you've clarified a lot of things for me.  Bye." (hangs up)

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