[FUNNY] Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys

Jeff Bone jbone@deepfile.com
Thu, 27 Mar 2003 17:03:53 -0600


By Anonymous

PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security 
council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate 
security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in 
violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq 
could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking 
gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had 
no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for 
attacking us or our allies with such weapons.

WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorists 
networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.

PN: But coundn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological 
materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves, 
didn't we?

WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that 
has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the 
early eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a 
power-hungry lunatic murderer.

PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic 

WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is 
the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.

PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our 
ambassador to Iraq, April Gillespie, know about and green-light the 
invasion of Kuwait?

WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell 
its biological and chemical weapons to Al Quaida. Osama BinLaden 
himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, 
proving a partnership between the two.

PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill 

WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on 
the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily 
be a partnership between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.

PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a 
secular infidel?

WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell 
presented a strong case against Iraq.

PN: He did?

WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Quaeda poison factory in 

PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq 
controlled by the Kurdish opposition?

WM: And a British intelligence report...

PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate 
student paper?

WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...

PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?

WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from 

PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, 
Hans Blix?

WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be 
revealed because it would compromise our security.

PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass 
destruction in Iraq?

WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find 
evidence. You're missing the point.

PN: So what is the point?

WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because resolution 1441 
threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the security 
council will become an irrelevant debating society.

PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the security council?

WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.

PN: And what if it does rule against us?

WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade 

PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?

WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.

PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of 
billions of dollars.

WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.

PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.

WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its 
will by electing leaders to make decisions.

PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is 

WM: Yes.

PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the 
U.S. Supreme C...-

WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they 
were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is 
about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.

PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not 

WM: I never said that.

PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass 
destruction that threaten us and our allies.

PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.

WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.

PN: You know this? How?

WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are 
still unaccounted for.

PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?

WM: Precisely.

PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade 
to an unusable state over ten years.

WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.

PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, 
we must invade?

WM: Exactly.

PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, 
biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach 
the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND 
threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.

WM: That's a diplomatic issue.

PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?

WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow 
the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, 
deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens 
of millions.

PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.

WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.

PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim 
sentiments against us, and decrease our security?

WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we 
live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.

PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, 
color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the 
way we live?

WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.

PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has 
called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must 
now face the consequences.

PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as 
find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?

WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?

WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?

WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security 

WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.

PN: In which case?

WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.

PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at 

WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.

PN: That makes no sense.

WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, 
with all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to 
boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.

PN: I give up!