Bin Laden Comes Clean, War On Terror Continues

Ian Andrew Bell fork at
Wed Jan 14 11:32:45 PST 2004

Bin Laden Comes Clean, War On Terror Continues
REUTERS - Washington, DC

Osama Bin Laden today announced his retirement and the disbanding of Al 
Qaeda, stating that he simply had underestimated Al Qaeda's 
fear-mongering capabilities, and can no longer compete with the Bush 
Government in the battle to scare the living shit out of Americans.

In his brief, teary-eyed statement, Bin Laden stated "We tried so hard 
to make your people bend in fear, but our resources were so limited," 
adding that "only a true genius could incite a people to such 
enslavement by forcing them to x-ray their shoes."

When asked for comment, Donald Rumsfeld snapped back "There is still a 
clear and present danger posed to America by several groups we are 
tracking," noting that certain specific and credible intelligence 
indicates that their activities are on the rise.  When asked to name 
names, Rumsfeld pointed to a regular rogue's gallery, including "we're 
watching the bogeyman, the Sasquatch, the Headless Horseman, Lex 
Luthor, and we're very concerned about the Tooth Fairy."

George W. Bush added "There's a saying that may sound a little 
down-home Texas to the rest of you folks, but it goes something like 
'We're gonna kick your ass, Mr. Tooth Fairy.'"

The nation has been put on threat condition orange after several 
midwest farmers were caught sowing seeds for pumpkins, which are 
rumored to be used as head gear for the Headless Horseman.  Those 
farmers are being detained at camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Meanwhile, the US Marines Expeditionary Force is preparing for an 
invasion of Northern British Columbia, where it is reputed the 
Sasquatch roams free, unfettered by a complacent Canadian government.  
A UN commission set up to investigate Sasquatch's use Weapons of Mass 
Destruction has so far been stymied by the cunning 7.5-foot tall homo 

"He must be kept away from our children," proclaimed Bush, adding that 
"being a homo is one thing, but walking around like that all the time 
is quite another."

As coincidence would have it, Western Canada supplies much of the 
world's conventional crude oil and natural gas.

Fighting in Spuzzum, British Columbia between unknown forces and a U.S. 
Delta Force unit has been unanticipatedly fierce and the U.S. Army 
reports losing two Black Hawk helicopters, fifteen humvees, and a set 
of dentures.   A daring midnight rescue of a U.S. Army Training Officer 
captured during combat, apparently being held captive at Brandy's, a 
high end strip club in Vancouver famous for also holding Ben Affleck 
against his will, was captured on video and is being televised on 
Pay-Per-View.  Jerry Buckheimer has inked a deal for the film rights 
with the as-yet-unnamed US soldier, who is said to be recovering in at 
the Chicken Ranch, an acute care facility outside Las Vegas.

As the War On Terror has stepped up pace, U.S. Citizens are taking the 
increased security measures in stride.  Said one traveling salesman "I 
think it's OK that we have to board airline flights naked, as long as 
it makes us safer."



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