Bin Laden Comes Clean, War On Terror Continues

Gordon Mohr gojomo at
Wed Jan 14 22:51:34 PST 2004

Osama is just an imaginary creature like the Tooth Fairy, hee hee.
Al Qaeda's attacks and plans were just bedtime scary stories, ha ha.
I suppose the 3,000 people who "died" will be emerging any moment
now to rib us about their elaborate prank, ho ho.

You crack me up.

- Gordon

Ian Andrew Bell wrote:
> Bin Laden Comes Clean, War On Terror Continues
> REUTERS - Washington, DC
> Osama Bin Laden today announced his retirement and the disbanding of Al 
> Qaeda, stating that he simply had underestimated Al Qaeda's 
> fear-mongering capabilities, and can no longer compete with the Bush 
> Government in the battle to scare the living shit out of Americans.
> In his brief, teary-eyed statement, Bin Laden stated "We tried so hard 
> to make your people bend in fear, but our resources were so limited," 
> adding that "only a true genius could incite a people to such 
> enslavement by forcing them to x-ray their shoes."
> When asked for comment, Donald Rumsfeld snapped back "There is still a 
> clear and present danger posed to America by several groups we are 
> tracking," noting that certain specific and credible intelligence 
> indicates that their activities are on the rise.  When asked to name 
> names, Rumsfeld pointed to a regular rogue's gallery, including "we're 
> watching the bogeyman, the Sasquatch, the Headless Horseman, Lex Luthor, 
> and we're very concerned about the Tooth Fairy."
> George W. Bush added "There's a saying that may sound a little down-home 
> Texas to the rest of you folks, but it goes something like 'We're gonna 
> kick your ass, Mr. Tooth Fairy.'"
> The nation has been put on threat condition orange after several midwest 
> farmers were caught sowing seeds for pumpkins, which are rumored to be 
> used as head gear for the Headless Horseman.  Those farmers are being 
> detained at camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
> Meanwhile, the US Marines Expeditionary Force is preparing for an 
> invasion of Northern British Columbia, where it is reputed the Sasquatch 
> roams free, unfettered by a complacent Canadian government.  A UN 
> commission set up to investigate Sasquatch's use Weapons of Mass 
> Destruction has so far been stymied by the cunning 7.5-foot tall homo 
> erectus.
> "He must be kept away from our children," proclaimed Bush, adding that 
> "being a homo is one thing, but walking around like that all the time is 
> quite another."
> As coincidence would have it, Western Canada supplies much of the 
> world's conventional crude oil and natural gas.
> Fighting in Spuzzum, British Columbia between unknown forces and a U.S. 
> Delta Force unit has been unanticipatedly fierce and the U.S. Army 
> reports losing two Black Hawk helicopters, fifteen humvees, and a set of 
> dentures.   A daring midnight rescue of a U.S. Army Training Officer 
> captured during combat, apparently being held captive at Brandy's, a 
> high end strip club in Vancouver famous for also holding Ben Affleck 
> against his will, was captured on video and is being televised on 
> Pay-Per-View.  Jerry Buckheimer has inked a deal for the film rights 
> with the as-yet-unnamed US soldier, who is said to be recovering in at 
> the Chicken Ranch, an acute care facility outside Las Vegas.
> As the War On Terror has stepped up pace, U.S. Citizens are taking the 
> increased security measures in stride.  Said one traveling salesman "I 
> think it's OK that we have to board airline flights naked, as long as it 
> makes us safer."
> ----
> -Ian.
>  detox your inbox.
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