[FoRK] What Is Human? Ugh...
Gregory Alan Bolcer
gbolcer at endeavors.com
Fri Mar 5 08:27:10 PST 2004
PR Release http://announcements.house.gov/Patriot/
Congress passed the Patriot Act IV and Patriot Act V
today greatly expanding the nation's ability to conduct intra-vaginal
surveillance. In addition, Congress give the Executive branch
the ability to appoint a Homeland Security Czar for the
purposes of anti-terrorist zygote implant monitoring.
After much contraversial debate, the Senate passed 67 to 5
(with 28 votes being absent) the contraversial bills after
watching Terminator 3 and Minority Report a couple of
hundred times a piece.
John Kerry, house committe chair on
government oversight was quoted, "After about the dozenth
time, it just all sort of clicked into place and we had to
pass it. We think that [the US Act of Anti-Terror Fetal
Non-Protection Act] as it's colloquially called, provides
a significant new tool in the monitoring, analysis, and
discharge of fertilized eggs. I mean, there could be
hundreds or thousands of these things that could term
to full and viable terrorists." [Editor: note, JFKerry
used the word "term" as a verb and not a noun]
Former Representative Gary Condit added, "I like that inspection part, we need
to get up and close to inspect those private parts."
All is not wine and roses with the new legistlation though. The
highly irrelevant ACLU attempted to block the appointment of
the new Anti-Terrorist Zygot Czar, Russell Turpin. When asked
if the new Patriot Act provisions for tampon and pad inspection for
fertile eggs violated any consitutional protections, he responded,
"What does privacy have to do with anything? Those privacy people are
disloyal. I am trying to run an anti-terror department and they are going
to fight me at every turn with their shirttails hanging out and dictionary
definitions of zygotes and fetuses. They are all potential terrorists and
it's the God given right of every American to know how many we're
killing every day. Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them.
They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt,
and with, with geometric logic, that, that a potential terrorist did exist. And I
would have cut the ambilical of those terrorists if I hadn't been looking
up "naive" in the dictionary. I, I know that those privacy people are just trying to
protect some fellow lawyer or future terrorist. I would have succeeded too...
err, will succeed with these new powers of surveillance and inspection."
President Bush acknowledge that there's a viable terrorist in every
zygote. In a direct stab at his Democratic nominee du jour, Bush
stated, "Well, gosh, ya know? It's not like Vietnam where we had to
inflate the body counts in order to get purple ribbons and such. We're
going to have real numbers now so when y'all hear me say we killed
30% to 60% more potential viable terrorists this year versus last, y'all
won't accuse me of lyin like a cat on a hot tin roof."
Joining the fray, Alan Greenspan said that they plan to take up the
economic impact asessments at the next Federal Reserve meeting.
Also former President Clinton added that even though the two
policies look similar, they were actually different and that his
was better from what he could gander,....goose, err...gather."
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