[FoRK] How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps!

Adam L Beberg beberg at mithral.com
Wed Feb 9 10:26:55 PST 2005

Too funny/true. I still don't "get" blogs, but all newspaper columns are 
now called blogs for some reason. The critical characteristic of a blog 
is that nooned reads it, so how can columns be a blog? Someone needs to 
put blogging on the cover of Time, so we can move on already.

So here is my theory, blogging is the new opiate of the masses. The most 
important thing that keeps a society functional is to keep all the idle 
hands busy doing something besides killing the people that actually do 
stuff. Failures of this include housing projects and the middle east. 
Video games have turned into murder-death-kill training, so blogging to 
the rescue!

Adam L. Beberg


How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! (Internet)
By internetslacker
Wed Feb 9th, 2005 at 06:40:10 AM EST

  Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up 
your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a 
l33t blogger in no time!

  1. Find a free blogging service, such as  www.blogger.com

  2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: 
"lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The 
Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".

  3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the 
blogging service, or one created by you.

  4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made 
template for your blog.

  5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from 
scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and 
elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".

  6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish 
Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.

  7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work 
gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.

  8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running 
in circles and howling.

  9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always 
choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.

  10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can 
do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page 
loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not 
actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by 
yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back 
in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in 
Microsoft FrontPageTM).

  11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with 
a box for you to type text in.

  12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.

  13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're 
going to write about.

  14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.

  15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.

  16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.

  17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the 
alcoholic beverage.

  18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write 
about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used 
to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a 
wounded gazelle.

  19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on 
the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to 
get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances 
tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.

  20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you 
could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature 
documentary appears on the television.

  21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.

  22. Complete your first post.

  23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a 
blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction 
to Yoda.

  24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the 
URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's 
address is spelled "all one word".

  25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone 
has made a comment.

  26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first 
blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous

  27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've 
spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.

  28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic 
paramedic - your blog's URL.

  29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such 
as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your 
blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds 
on his throat.

  30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page 
to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.

  31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads 
"I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous

  32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.

  33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.

  34. Stand up and get another drink.

  35. Sit back down at your computer desk.

  36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs 
should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.

  37. Complete the second post.

  38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging 

  39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television 
since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually 
interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to 
spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.

  40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 
'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.

  41. Refuse and hang up phone.

  42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again 
to see if there are any more comments.

  43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become 
incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger 
asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing 
midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for 

  44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.

  45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in 
step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.

  46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to 
repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning 
a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).

  47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word 
"sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who 
keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"

  48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.

  49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.

  50. Repeat for the rest of your life.

  51. Welcome To Blogging!

Full discussion: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/2/7/161047/1869

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