[FoRK] Fwd: Keep Pope Alive -- Taibbi ("saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable process of melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under faintest of suns.")

Joe Barrera joe at barrera.org
Thu Mar 10 20:45:18 PST 2005

Bill Humphries wrote:

 > So should someone play the original article to the Forkchive?
 > Wow, it's pretty damn brutal.

You probably have to be a (lapsed) Roman Catholic to enjoy it.




52.Pope pisses himself just before the end; gets all over nurse.

51.After death, saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable process 
of melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under 
faintest of suns.

50.Pope survives just long enough to be acquired by Isiah Thomas for 
Stephon Marbury, 2005 #1 pick and cash considerations. "We feel like 
we've made ourselves younger and more competitive," Thomas says.

49.After beating for the last time, Pope's heart sits there like a piece 
of hamburger.

48.Whole world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement of 
his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling and 
praying. Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios, transfixed. 
Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.

47.Upon death, Pope's face frozen in sickening smile, eyes wide open and 
teeth exposed, like a baboon.

46.Beetles eating Pope's dead brains.

45.Pope departs Earth at a time when Hitch is top-grossing movie in the 

44.Gurgling sound during embalming process; real fluids in dead Pope's 
body sucked out into jars.

43.POV Dead Pope: Last glimpse of overcast Italian sky as coffin lid 
closes for last time.

42.Get used to that quiet sound.

41.Humming old Polish folk song in there. That kills three minutes.

40.Humming it again, this time getting the words right. Another three 

39.Can't move. Can't reach penis.

38.Somebody taking my job. My job!

37.Getting a little stuffy.

36.Naming all the different types of fish. Flounder, halibut, perch, 
goldfish, basking shark...no, do the sharks separately...really stuffy 
in here, gar, swordfish, manta ray, eels... No, don't think about eels. 
Eels are scary. Boy, is it dark in here. Four minutes gone by.

35.Doctor applies fingers to neck to check expiring Pope's pulse. Pope's 
ear falls off.

34.In heaven, Pope keeps wrapping cars around telephone poles.

33.Silverfish pops out of dead Pope's vestment for a moment, immediately 
ducks back in.

32.Priest who administers last rites to Pope excitedly calls mother 
afterward to tell her how well it went.

31.Dead Pope, still with baboon face, wheeled through corridors of 
Gemelli Polyclinic in Rome, learns answer to Great Mystery.

30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope's bones.

29.New Pope inevitably ambitious cleric burning with earthly vigor and 
secret desire to undo dead Pope's legacy.

28.Bears everywhere shitting in woods.

27.We'll never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition of 
"Come on Eileen."

26.Pope recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist Matt 
Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 2, 2005.

25.LexisNexis search on phrase "the inner workings of the Vatican are 
shrouded in mystery" temporarily crashes system; Eric Alterman unable to 
search for press references to "What Liberal Media?" for 37 consecutive 

24.Pope spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring at 
him with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political necessity 
of clinging to life.

23.Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a 
woman, but also Hitler.

22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid 
institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will 
instantly be celebrated as world's holiest man as he travels to 
AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.

21.Telltale white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) 
choice of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues of 
Manscape and Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican lobby.

20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.

19.To the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.

18.When he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden, 
and his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought of nothing 
at all.

17.In his last days, the Pope was in tremendous pain.

16.NBC Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full of long-ago 
archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died, wonders why 
Brian Williams is calling him an "inspirational spiritual leader."

15.Williams, after broadcast: "Who's Boris Yeltsin?"

14.Matt Lauer to Williams: "He wrote the Contract for America."

13.Just before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts 
into flames; everyone runs from the room.

12.Sequoia, birch, maple, willow, palm, oak, pine, fir, maple—No, wait, 
I said maple already...

11.Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...

10.You dirty rat. You dirty, double-crossing rat... Proxima estacion: 
Tibidabo. Tenga cuidado de las puertas deslizantes... It means woods and 
blanche means white, so the two together mean white woods... L'état— 
c'est moi! Don't think about eels, don't think about eels...

9.Bush on the tragic event: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to this 
great man and all of his many children."

8.Bush continued: "He touched all of us in places no one else could reach."

7. According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze Door 
in St. Peter's Square announces the death of the Pope.

6.Normal Vatican schedule closes that door at 8 p.m. every night and 
reopens it in the morning.

5.According to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time, no 
one will know what to do. (This is not a joke.)

4.In 1958, reporters paid off Pope Pius XII's physician to throw open 
the hospital room window when the Pope died.

3.When a monsignor threw the window open to get some air, the Pope's 
death was erroneously reported all over the world.

2.This is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate with 
the world with doors and chimneys.

1.Throw a marble at the dead Pope's head. Bonk!

Volume 18, Issue 9

© 2005 New York Press

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