[FoRK] "Greetings from Unitarian Jihad!"

Russell Turpin deafbox at hotmail.com
Mon Apr 11 16:59:39 PDT 2005

[And about bloody time!]

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We
are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more
than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in
favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword
of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all,
and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States!
Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles
of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of
all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions,
fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long
have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God
talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have
the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode
the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the
news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments
have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that
Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of
Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever
they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great
idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record
that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or
Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been
born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think
that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep
with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record
that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates
that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and
this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like
grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad
will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over
television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and
broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of
the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we
will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully
thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and
require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand
Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime
of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally
introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all
lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like
trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as
Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be
required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not
enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last
a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't
make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't
mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone
in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play
basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure
the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when
he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent
around the room, and someone suggested that we buy
some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists.
But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday
Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We
can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and
harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run
the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the
Gandhi Room after the revolution.


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