[FoRK] Fwd: [Culture] At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation

Joe Barrera joe at barrera.org
Mon May 23 06:58:59 PDT 2005

-------- Original Message --------

At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation
May 20 2005 by Ross Bender

One hundred and thirty-seven Newsweek editors, interns and proofreaders 
committed hara-kiri today to atone for the magazine's errors in 
reporting that CIA interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed the Koran 
down the toilet.
The totally erroneous report touched off waves of anti-American 
protests, flag-burnings and hysterical dervish dancing in Afghanistan, 
Pakistan, Indonesia, Malaysia, and the Maldive Islands.
Michael Isikoff, author of the inflammatory story, refused to kill 
himself, and stood by his story. He explained that his anonymous source 
was Jeff Gannon, male escort, military stud and former White House 
correspondent who "apparently changed his mind" after the piece was 
printed. Newsweek has reassigned Isikoff to a position cleaning 
executive bathrooms with his tongue, although at no reduction in salary.
In a similar scandal involving the biased anti-government liberal media 
last fall, Dan Rather sliced off his pinkie and resigned from CBS News. 
Since that time, the once popular radical leftist TV news program 60 
Minutes has been running continuous footage of President Bush's bicycle 
rides in various national parks, carefully erasing the alleged incidents 
in which the President allegedly fell off his bike.
Newsweek has instituted morning flagellation and Bible study sessions 
and has pledged itself to print only news favorable to the White House, 
the Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family. Last week's cover 
featured a hitherto secret photo of Osama bin Laden wiping his bum with 
the Wall Street Journal.
The photo caused a minor riot among investment bankers in New York's 
financial district, with the Journal's editorial staff flushing copies 
of Newsweek and Time down the toilet, and lynching several New York 
Times reporters who happened to be lunching in the area.
In a related story, CNN News has ceased publication of its daily listing 
of coalition casualties in Iraq, stating that its editors now realize 
this was "unpatriotic." It has also revised its number of American dead 
from 1,626 down to 13, saying that sources for the previous number could 
not be verified.

Ross Bender

It's hard to live in this country
In the present state of things
Your body gets pulled right back
You get a terrible urge to drink at 3 a.m.

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