[FoRK] Fwd: [Culture] At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation
joe at barrera.org
Mon May 23 06:58:59 PDT 2005
-------- Original Message --------
At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation
May 20 2005 by Ross Bender
One hundred and thirty-seven Newsweek editors, interns and proofreaders
committed hara-kiri today to atone for the magazine's errors in
reporting that CIA interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed the Koran
down the toilet.
The totally erroneous report touched off waves of anti-American
protests, flag-burnings and hysterical dervish dancing in Afghanistan,
Pakistan, Indonesia, Malaysia, and the Maldive Islands.
Michael Isikoff, author of the inflammatory story, refused to kill
himself, and stood by his story. He explained that his anonymous source
was Jeff Gannon, male escort, military stud and former White House
correspondent who "apparently changed his mind" after the piece was
printed. Newsweek has reassigned Isikoff to a position cleaning
executive bathrooms with his tongue, although at no reduction in salary.
In a similar scandal involving the biased anti-government liberal media
last fall, Dan Rather sliced off his pinkie and resigned from CBS News.
Since that time, the once popular radical leftist TV news program 60
Minutes has been running continuous footage of President Bush's bicycle
rides in various national parks, carefully erasing the alleged incidents
in which the President allegedly fell off his bike.
Newsweek has instituted morning flagellation and Bible study sessions
and has pledged itself to print only news favorable to the White House,
the Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family. Last week's cover
featured a hitherto secret photo of Osama bin Laden wiping his bum with
the Wall Street Journal.
The photo caused a minor riot among investment bankers in New York's
financial district, with the Journal's editorial staff flushing copies
of Newsweek and Time down the toilet, and lynching several New York
Times reporters who happened to be lunching in the area.
In a related story, CNN News has ceased publication of its daily listing
of coalition casualties in Iraq, stating that its editors now realize
this was "unpatriotic." It has also revised its number of American dead
from 1,626 down to 13, saying that sources for the previous number could
not be verified.
It's hard to live in this country
In the present state of things
Your body gets pulled right back
You get a terrible urge to drink at 3 a.m.
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