[FoRK] Abortion cognitive dissonance

Tom Higgins < tomhiggins at gmail.com > on > Thu Mar 23 23:45:43 PST 2006

I thought you might like this most amazing and dead on rant from the
aptly named fucksouthdakota.com

"Son of a bitch. Fuck South Dakota and those scheming little
Pro-"life" assholes. They didn't wait long to take their shiny new
Supreme Court out for a spin, did they? I remember all the promises
about how these two uptight ideologues wouldn't have any effect on the
Roe v. Wade question like it was yesterday. Oh wait, that was
yesterday. Fuck.

Of course, not all South Dakotians are behind this invasion in utero.
A whopping twenty-five percent of the residents of the Coyote State
support banning abortion outright. So what is wrong with those
assholes in Pierre? It's the same fucking thing that's screwy with all
the other "Family Values" zealots. They just love telling the rest of
us how to behave, but the logic they use makes George Costanza sound
like Steven Fucking Hawking.

Like, let's take Bill Napoli, Head Baby-Saver-in-Chief and general
sponsor of bills that would make Mother Teresa do a spit take. Just in
case you haven't heard it yet, here's Bill explaining how someone who
wasn't on death's doormat could get an abortion under the Taliban –
sorry – South Dakota bill:

    "A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally
raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned
on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and
raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is
impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and
psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her
life."

Hang on one motherfucking second. The only women this asshole thinks
should be allowed to get abortions are the ones who never miss church?
What kind of ass-backward, bullshit argument is that? Is this the new
virginity promotion plan? Keep your hymen intact, pray on your knees
every night, and if you're unlucky enough to get brutally raped in one
of Bill Napoli's fantasies (and sodomized, nice touch), you'll be able
to get your abortion nice and legal-like, provided the whole
experience has left your noggin fried to a tender golden crisp. That,
right there, is fucking brilliant. Can we outlaw prime rib for
everyone but the vegans next?

And yes, Senator Napoli is the same fucker who says that most
abortions these days are for, no kidding, "convenience." Because
taking a pill or slapping on a piece of latex is way, way less
convenient than spending your afternoon in stirrups while strangers
poke at your private bits with hoses and forceps.

Exactly where did these fuckers get the idea that people are getting
abortions like it's a walk in the park? "Oh shit, I got so wrapped up
teaching my kids to be gay that I completely forgot to get my
abortion! I sure hope they can murder this baby on Friday or it's
going to completely screw up my weekend."

But that's not the biggest lie these fuckers are peddling. Anyone
who's taken an intro to stats course can tell you that there's no
relationship at all between whether abortion is illegal and how many
abortions people get. In fact, countries that do have bans in place
have some of the highest rates of abortion on the fucking planet. And,
here's a shocker, they also have the most women dying when they get
one.

And it's not just because they're getting invasive procedures from
amateurs. It's that instead of preventing abortion, pro-life laws just
put them off until they're more dangerous. So those same assholes who
are tsk-tsking about the rise in late-term abortions? They're the ones
who are fucking causing them.

Sorry – too many numbers for your little heads to crunch? It's not
about statistics, it's about personal responsibility? Whatever – we're
not completely blind to your fucking double standards. We know that
what you scream at the TV cameras has nothing to do what what you
actually do.

It's easy to be an extremist when it's not your daughter picking out
maternity dresses for her junior prom. When the oats hit the
millstone, you fuckers find a way to get your mind around abortion
being ok just this one time because your special flower can't be
bothered with changing diapers while she's working full-time as a
sidewalk counselor.

So let's drop the caring about the babies bullshit, ok? There are more
kids in protective custody in South Dakota than there were abortions
last year, so if you're done pushing bloody photos in Sally's face
when she shows up for her pap smear, how about swinging by children's
services and giving one of those whippersnappers a home. Or does your
politics stop at the edge of the vaginal canal?

And just this once, can we leave your fucking megachurches out of this
debate? You're basing your politics on stories passed down for
hundreds of years before anyone bothered to put them down in ink? You
guys so never played Telephone growing up, did you? Some vicar tells
you that the Almighty is using pack animals and sewing implements to
make decisions about who gets into the Happy Place and you're all, "I
make the check out to who?" You don't think maybe Brother Brewmeister
might have mistranslated whole sections of your moral code, do you?
What's next, getting into heaven is as hard as riding a thoroughbred
through a buttonhole? Jesus fucking Christ, is there anything they can
say that you won't believe?

And that's just the New Testament, where things don't get much
stranger than, "I wave my magic wand and... shazam! Fifty trout and a
bucket of pumpernickel!" Most of you pious fuckers are taking your
cues from the ancient scrolls where Thor starts flinging frogs and
giving us pimples when he doesn't get his way.

"Dude. Your wife's a spice rack. What the fuck did she say to Yahweh?"

Don't even try and play this off like it's just a bunch of prairie
extremists who are pushing this radical agenda. It's just that South
Dakota's legislature is willing to admit what the pro-life movement is
really after: forced pregnancy. And they're not the only dicks who
want their chicks barefoot and knocked up – assholes in at least ten
other states are preparing turn a procedure that more than a third of
American women get at some point during their lives into a fucking
felony.

And while one hand is knocking down abortion clinics, the other is
stealing our rubbers and trying to convince us that "abstinence is
cool!" is the only answer kids should get to the whole "Where do
babies come from?" line of questioning.

Abstinence. Now there's a workable curriculum if I ever heard one.
Look, do you really think you're gonna get a bunch of hormone-soaked
highschoolers to keep it in their pants because their teachers say
it's the right thing to do? You dickheads put the "Holy" in "Holy
fuck, have you ever actually met a teenager?"

Ok, ok, you save-it-for-the-honeymooners might manage to get a few
teens to hold off on the wild thing for a year or so, but those same
abstinence-only classes are driving the kiddos to do the wilder thing.

That's right you self-righteous dickheads, while you're bragging about
how your youngsters are getting it on with the Silver Ring Thing and
saving themselves for their nuptial night, they're out blowing each
other in the back of your SUV and rediscovering those classic Butthole
Surfer albums, if you know what I mean. Which lesson plan has the part
about how the Slippery Cowgirl is a good alternative to Premarital
Missionary?

Y'all keep peddling this abstinence bullshit and you're gonna wish
your little tykes were fucking like rabbits. At least bunnies stick to
the straight-up doggy style — your kids are doing shit that would make
Jenna Jameson snap her legs shut.

No, seriously. You think the big porn stars are assfucking without a
condom? And those guys get paid, motherfucker. Your kids are having
unsafe sex as a fucking hobby.

And are you sure you want to be promoting a vow of celibacy at this
point in the news cycle, Cardinal Nambla?

While we're talking sodomy, you bible humpers are gonna have to decide
where you come down on the Going Down question. Is it sex, or isn't
it? You're fucked either way, so I'll make it easy on you – it's sex.
Someone makes someone else cum, and that's the end of that. Or the
beginning if you're lucky. So, yes, Virginia, Clinton was having the
sex with Monica in the study with the candlestick – um – cigar.

Speaking of shooting people in the face, y'all better stop complaining
that we're making too big a deal out of Cheney's little hunting
mishap. It might not have anything to do with his job performance, but
you fuckers impeached Bubba when he unloaded on his partner, and that
shit was a whole lot less painful.

And besides, abortion rates dropped faster while Bubba was getting
busy in the West Wing than when Mr. Born Again and Again took the
throne. What was that? You're all about a Culture of Life? Turns out
if you don't have a Culture of Don't Send My Job to Mexico to go with
it, we're not all that interested in listening to some silver spooner
shovel that morality shit down our throats.

See, the problem here is your Intelligent Designer didn't engineer no
fucking automatons. People just don't take orders like you think they
do. Just Say No! You bet - just let me take one more hit. No smoking!
(Cough) Sure thing, boss. Don't eat that dirt! Mrnfph?

Just ask the Catholics if you don't believe me. Could the Pope be any
clearer on the abortion question? Go on, take a stab at how that
affects the behavior of the masses in the masses. Jesus Christ, don't
you see this shit coming by now? Their abortion rates are almost the
same as the national average. And when I say almost I mean slightly
higher. It's sort of like everything you believe is wrong. Oh wait,
it's exactly like that.

So if God's super shepherd can't convince his flock to to stop with
the abortions, what do you think the chances are that some perverted
Senator from Rabid City is gonna bring this whole thing to a grinding
halt?

It ain't gonna fucking happen. This is one of those places where the
supply-siders actually know what they're talking about. Want to stop
abortions? Get those kids an instruction manual before they start
messing around with their fucking equipment. You're not going stop
them from doing the purple piledriver, so get over yourselves and
start handing out the hard hats before they show up at your door
asking "Mommy, is my wonderwand supposed to ooze like this?"

See, nature's not on your side, you nattering nabobs of nativity. You
can wax nostalgic about the good ol' days all you want, but you're in
for a fucking surprise if we wind up winding back that clock. Check
your history books, assholes: back when abortion was illegal and
contraception was just a forbidden apple in some pharmacist's eye,
American abortion rates were more than five fucking times higher than
they are today.

So, class, what have we learned in Sex Ed today? The pro-life movement
is just fucking with us when they say they want to end abortion,
trying to stop teenagers from having sex is like stepping in front of
a freight train with a doorstop, and Republican lectures on moral
turpitude make Montgomery Burns seem vaguely trustworthy.

You want to live in your own little fantasy world? Great – just take
your pretend virgins and your blissful ignorance of statistics and
your Right-To-Life-As-Long-As-It's-Not-My-Daughter-Who's-Got-A-Bun-In-The-Broiler
with you when you head back to the Garden of Eden. We'll all be back
here in the real world enjoying our Right to Fuck. "

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