[FoRK] Humanities...

Joe Barrera < joe at barrera.org > on > Mon Jun 12 11:18:47 PDT 2006

Damien Morton wrote:

> Oh - and if you get into Hamlet  [...]

And! Don't miss The Skinhead Hamlet!

http://www.sa.rochester.edu/drama/skinhead.html


Shakespeare's play translated into modern English
"Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New"
English Bible -- Eds


ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.

            GHOST:  Oi!  Mush!
            HAMLET: Yer?
            GHOST:  I was fucked!
                      (Exit GHOST.)
	   HAMLET: O Fuck
                      (Exit HAMLET.)

SCENE II
The Throneroom. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.

            CLAUDIUS:  Oi!  You, Hamlet, give over!
            HAMLET:  Fuck off, won't you?
                       (Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
            HAMLET: (Alone)  They could have fucking waited.
                       (Enter HORATIO.)
            HORATIO: Oi!  Watcha cock!
            HAMLET:  Weeeeey!
                       (Exeunt.)

SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.

            LAERTES:  I'm fucking off now.  Watch Hamlet doesn't slip
                      you one while I'm gone.
            OPHELIA:  I'll be fucked if he does.
                         (Exeunt.)

SCENE IV
The Battlements. Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.

            GHOST:  Oi!  Mush, get on with it!
            HAMLET: Who did it then?
            GHOST:  That wanker Claudius.  He poured fucking poison
                    in my fucking ear!
            HAMLET: Fuck me!
                       (Exeunt.)

ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle. Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.

            POLONIUS: Oi! You!
            HAMLET:   Fuck off, grandad!
                        (Exit POLONIUS.  Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
            ROS & GUILD:  Oi! Oi!  Mucca!
            HAMLET:  Fuck off, the pair of you!
                        (Exit ROS & GUILD.)
            HAMLET:  (Alone)  To fuck or be fucked.
                        (Enter OPHELIA.)
            OPHELIA:  My Lord!
            HAMLET:  Fuck off to a nunnery!
                        (They exit in different directions.)

ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room. Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.

            I PLAYER:  Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
            CLAUDIUS:  I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
                          (Exeunt.)

SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.

            HAMLET:  Oi!  Slag!
            GERTRUDE:  Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
            POLONIUS:  (From behind the curtain)  Too right.
            HAMLET:  Who the fuck was that?
                       (He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
            POLONIUS:  Fuck!
            HAMLET:  Fuck!  I thought it was that other wanker.
                       (Exeunt.)

ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.

            CLAUDIUS:  Fuck off to England then!
            HAMLET:  Delighted, mush.

SCENE II
The Throne Room. OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.

            OPHELIA:  Here, cop a whack of this.
                        (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
            CLAUDIUS:  She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
            GERTRUDE:  (Looking out the window)  There is a willow grows
		      aslant the brook.
            CLAUDIUS:  Get on with it, slag.
            GERTRUDE:  Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
            CLAUDIUS:  Fuck!  Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
                         (Exeunt.)

SCENE III
A Corridor.

            LAERTES:  (Alone)  I'm going to fucking do this lot.
                        (Enter CLAUDIUS.)
            CLAUDIUS:  I didn't fucking do it, mate.  It was that wanker Hamlet.
            LAERTES:  Well, fuck him.

ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber. HAMLET and HORATIO seated.

            HAMLET:  I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio,
		     and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
                        (Exeunt.)

SCENE II
Large Hall. Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.

            LAERTES:  Oi, wanker:  let's get on with it.
            HAMLET:  Delighted, fuckface.
                       (They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
            LAERTES:  Fuck!
            HAMLET:  Fuck!
                       (The QUEEN drinks.)
            GERTRUDE:  Fucking odd wine!
            CLAUDIUS:  You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
            HAMLET:  (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)  Well, fuck you!
            CLAUDIUS:  I'm fair and squarely fucked.
            LAERTES:  Oi, mush:  no hard feelings, eh?
            HAMLET:  Yer.
                       (LAERTES dies.)
            HAMLET:  Oi!  Horatio!
            HORATIO:  Yer?
            HAMLET:  I'm fucked.  The rest is fucking silence.
                       (HAMLET dies.)
            HORATIO:  Fuck:  that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
                       (Enter FORTINBRAS.)
            FORTINBRAS:  What the fuck's going on here?
            HORATIO:  A fucking mess, that's for sure.
            FORTINBRAS:  No kidding.  I see Hamlet's fucked.
            HORATIO:  Yer.
            FORTINBRAS:  Fucking shame:  fucking good bloke.
            HORATIO:  Too fucking right.
            FORTINBRAS:  Fuck this for a lark then.  Let's piss off.

(Exeunt with alarums.)



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