[FoRK] Advice for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Jeff Bone < jbone at place.org > on > Mon Aug 14 10:50:31 PDT 2006

This is an open letter to the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Dearest Mahmoud,

Congratulations on your breakthrough to Western media-star status!   
The Mike Wallace interview [0] is a great start, and the blog is a  
great idea, too.  If you will permit me to offer some unsolicited  
advice, here are some comments and suggestions that can help you  
refine your newfound star status and win the (unfair!) PR battle you  
face in the west.

(1)  You need a better stage name.  "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" is a bit  
unapproachable for most Westerners.  I would suggest that you follow  
the lead of such great celebrities as Cher, Madonna, and Carrot Top  
and come up with one of those one-word names.  (Well, never mind the  
fact that Carrot Top is two words, you get my drift.)  "Moe" might be  
obvious, but you don't want to get confused with one of the Three  
Stooges.  "Mahmie" sounds too much like the English "mommie," and  
"Moody" has other negative connotations.  As an homage to your  
Western media patron, Mike Wallace, how about just Wally?  Very  
approachable, unthreatening...  "Wally" is the guy you want to go  
fishing with, the neighbor you call to help you lift out your engine  
block or for a pick-up game of dominoes.  Run with it, big guy.   
"Wally."  Nice ring.  You're welcome.

(2)  All that scrawly Arabic stuff on the website and elsewhere has  
to go.  English, baby, and only English.  (And btw, fuck the French!   
Pardon my, uh, French.)  Pick nice serif and sans-serif fonts and go  
with it.  While you're at it get with the program and make English  
the official language of Iran!  You can't fight the tide forever.   
And the color scheme on the website's a little boring, too...  hasn't  
anybody told you that orange is the new black?  Spice things up with  
some AJAX --- maybe a live meter of dollars (btw, use dollars, always  
dollars) raised for charitable causes like H[ie]zb[uo]llah?  Running  
count of Zionists killed?  Virgins obtained in afterlife by martyrs?   
Countdown until first Iranian nuclear detonation?  Number of Katushya  
rockets and Zelzal missiles delivered to terrori^H^H^H^H^H^H^H  
freedom fighters world-wide by your government?  Get creative...   
Hire some real web design talent, there's plenty to go around here in  
the States.

(3)  You need a hobby.  Kimmie over in NK has the whole film thing  
going on (not to mention many other hobbies) and that seems to be  
working out for him.  You need something that Western audiences can  
identify with...  I suggest taking up poker and entering the WSOP  
next summer.  Think of it:  you and a field of a few thousand others,  
locked in hand-to-hand combat of the mind and will.  What better way  
to assert your supremacy than by conquering the very game that  
defines America?  You'll need some schooling and some practice:  I  
recommend picking up Sklansky's _Theory of Poker_ [1] and Rodman /  
Nelson _Kill Phil_, [2] [3] along with a copy of Poker Academy Pro  
[4] (runs on Mac, too!)  Cashing will get you big kudos, and a final  
table seat will make you an instant overnight pop culture hero around  
here.  (BTW, even though you can just buy a seat in the main event, I  
recommend playing some satellites as it's good experience regardless,  
and you can always sell any seats you might win that way.)  While  
you're at it, get some casinos going in Iran, make it a gambling  
vacation destination.  Hell, if Bugsy Siegel could invent Las Vegas  
in the middle of a freakin' desert, surely you can do him one  
better!  (You might couple this with the whole sex vacation  
destination thing, I hear you've got a great sex "slavery" /  
prostitution thing going over there. [5])

(4)  You've got to disarm and co-opt the unnecessarily-hostile  
American right-wingers.  These folks should naturally be your  
allies!  While they're not big on "reasoning" I suggest the  
following:  they've been arguing stringently *against* the separation  
of church and state in this country since, well, it's founding ---  
but particularly of late.  You're a theocracy!  You guys should have  
common cause --- they should be supportive of your attempts to keep  
nasty secularism out of public / private life!  You need to hire a  
good PR / ad firm --- maybe GSD&M here in the states --- to help you  
popularize and promote your theocratic agenda.  Democracy Now!?!?   
Fuck that!  Theocracy Now!  (While you're at it, you might point out  
that while Republicans in the States are always talking about "The  
Base" --- energizing "The Base," mobilizing "The Base," etc. --- in  
Arabic Al Qaeda means...  The Base!)  You guys are two sides of the  
same coin --- make friends!

(5)  Two words:  nose job.

(6)  If there's one thing Americans like, it's beer.  Part of the  
reason that we probably don't like you all over there that much is  
that we just simply don't KNOW you...  and the reason we don't know  
you is that we don't drink your import beers.  You gotta get with the  
program and start shipping us some of your beer.  Don't keep it all  
for yourself, share the bubbly, hoppy love baby!  I mean, you guys  
have beer...  right?  Right?

(7)  While we've got churches over here, too, you guys are way over  
the top with your stuff.  Tone it down a bit and it'll sell better  
over here.  I suggest that you push an agenda of "lightening up" on  
the church front --- Islam Lite, anyone?  Praying five times a day?   
Too much...  how about once a week?  (I suggest Sunday, it fits  
better with Western schedules.)  All that caterwauling from those  
tower things?  Bells, just bells.  (Bells are a multi-tasker, too ---  
useful for telling time.)  Mecca?  How about DisneyWorld instead ---  
I'm sure they'd be down for hosting "Islam Day" once a year.  (Talk  
to Disney about opening a Persian franchise, too.)  Also:  consider  
upping Mohammed's theological status to "deity" --- or at least  
"deity's offspring."

(8) I notice that you're personally going hatless, but that doesn't  
seem to have caught on with many of your colleagues... Those funny  
rag hats they wear have to go...  catch up with current millinery  
technology, you guys are only about seven centuries behind.  How  
about holy baseball caps instead?

(9)  Let's talk food.  It's hard for Americans to be too tough on  
people whose food we love.  (Look how tolerant we've been of those  
damn French!)  Consider:  sushi's so entrenched in American dining  
habits now that if Pearl Harbor happened today, we'd probably just  
roll over.  (ROLL over.  Get it?)  I suggest a broad push to  
popularize Persian cuisine in America and the west...  but with a few  
adjustments.  Now, I've had Persian food several times, and while  
it's tasty --- it's just too freakin' dry.  Dry, dry, dry, dry.  I  
mean, c'mon!  Slap some BBQ sauce on that shit or something!  Loosen  
up with the condiments, Wally...  what are you, Jewish?  I mean, even  
THEY offer free juicy pickles on the side...  And that national drink  
of yours, that drugh or droogh or whatever --- that salty yogurt-milk  
crap, what the fuck is that about?  Maxi-nast, that's what.  I mean,  
you're thirsty from eating your dry-ass food, and you take a swig and  
ugh!  No help!  Ditch the salt, put some vanilla in that bad boy and  
you've got a reasonable chaser for all that good Persian beer you're  
keeping to yourself.  Or put some vanilla liqueur and some vodka in  
there and you've got a best-selling cocktail.  (Name suggestion:  a  
"Naked Persian.")

(10)  Speaking of naked, you guys have some hot chicks over there.   
Why do you keep them all covered up like that?  I mean, c'mon, share  
the love, bro.  A sure way to the Western man's heart is through his  
crotch --- it'd be damn hard for GI Joe to drop bombs on Tehran if we  
had a clear picture of all the hotties we'd be wiping out.  I suggest  
a national, annual Persian Wet Bikini Open.  You can probably get a  
TV deal with The Travel Channel, at the very least.  Just think of  
it, all those hot Iranian chicas parading around in the dusty desert  
sun, scantily clad...  all those Western men salivating at the  
thought of putting the pipe to 'em.  Dude, PR coup, no doubt.  You  
might want to go further --- perhaps a monthly porn mag.  "Barely  
Persian?"  Talk to Larry Flynt.  (Brief note:  current Western  
hygiene standards mandate a trimmer bush than you guys are probably  
requiring over there these days.  I suggest legislating the landing  
strip -- if not the smoothie -- as the required grooming guideline.   
Nobody wants to see a bikini bottom so full of hair that it looks  
like a package, or black curlies creeping out the sides.)

(11)  You need a theme song.  Talk to Randy Newman, he's ALWAYS  
available. [5]

Just some thoughts, Wally.  Happy to help,


[0] http://tinyurl.com/hlh75
[1] http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1880685000/103-1392132-4012654? 
[2] http://www.killphilpoker.com/
[3] http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0929712242/103-1392132-4012654? 
[4] http://www.poker-academy.com/
[5] http://www.iranian.ws/cgi-bin/iran_news/exec/view.cgi/2/3485
[6] http://www.randynewman.com/tocbiography

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