[FoRK] Advice for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Jeff Bone <
jbone at place.org
> on >
Mon Aug 14 10:50:31 PDT 2006
This is an open letter to the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Congratulations on your breakthrough to Western media-star status!
The Mike Wallace interview  is a great start, and the blog is a
great idea, too. If you will permit me to offer some unsolicited
advice, here are some comments and suggestions that can help you
refine your newfound star status and win the (unfair!) PR battle you
face in the west.
(1) You need a better stage name. "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" is a bit
unapproachable for most Westerners. I would suggest that you follow
the lead of such great celebrities as Cher, Madonna, and Carrot Top
and come up with one of those one-word names. (Well, never mind the
fact that Carrot Top is two words, you get my drift.) "Moe" might be
obvious, but you don't want to get confused with one of the Three
Stooges. "Mahmie" sounds too much like the English "mommie," and
"Moody" has other negative connotations. As an homage to your
Western media patron, Mike Wallace, how about just Wally? Very
approachable, unthreatening... "Wally" is the guy you want to go
fishing with, the neighbor you call to help you lift out your engine
block or for a pick-up game of dominoes. Run with it, big guy.
"Wally." Nice ring. You're welcome.
(2) All that scrawly Arabic stuff on the website and elsewhere has
to go. English, baby, and only English. (And btw, fuck the French!
Pardon my, uh, French.) Pick nice serif and sans-serif fonts and go
with it. While you're at it get with the program and make English
the official language of Iran! You can't fight the tide forever.
And the color scheme on the website's a little boring, too... hasn't
anybody told you that orange is the new black? Spice things up with
some AJAX --- maybe a live meter of dollars (btw, use dollars, always
dollars) raised for charitable causes like H[ie]zb[uo]llah? Running
count of Zionists killed? Virgins obtained in afterlife by martyrs?
Countdown until first Iranian nuclear detonation? Number of Katushya
rockets and Zelzal missiles delivered to terrori^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
freedom fighters world-wide by your government? Get creative...
Hire some real web design talent, there's plenty to go around here in
(3) You need a hobby. Kimmie over in NK has the whole film thing
going on (not to mention many other hobbies) and that seems to be
working out for him. You need something that Western audiences can
identify with... I suggest taking up poker and entering the WSOP
next summer. Think of it: you and a field of a few thousand others,
locked in hand-to-hand combat of the mind and will. What better way
to assert your supremacy than by conquering the very game that
defines America? You'll need some schooling and some practice: I
recommend picking up Sklansky's _Theory of Poker_  and Rodman /
Nelson _Kill Phil_,   along with a copy of Poker Academy Pro
 (runs on Mac, too!) Cashing will get you big kudos, and a final
table seat will make you an instant overnight pop culture hero around
here. (BTW, even though you can just buy a seat in the main event, I
recommend playing some satellites as it's good experience regardless,
and you can always sell any seats you might win that way.) While
you're at it, get some casinos going in Iran, make it a gambling
vacation destination. Hell, if Bugsy Siegel could invent Las Vegas
in the middle of a freakin' desert, surely you can do him one
better! (You might couple this with the whole sex vacation
destination thing, I hear you've got a great sex "slavery" /
prostitution thing going over there. )
(4) You've got to disarm and co-opt the unnecessarily-hostile
American right-wingers. These folks should naturally be your
allies! While they're not big on "reasoning" I suggest the
following: they've been arguing stringently *against* the separation
of church and state in this country since, well, it's founding ---
but particularly of late. You're a theocracy! You guys should have
common cause --- they should be supportive of your attempts to keep
nasty secularism out of public / private life! You need to hire a
good PR / ad firm --- maybe GSD&M here in the states --- to help you
popularize and promote your theocratic agenda. Democracy Now!?!?
Fuck that! Theocracy Now! (While you're at it, you might point out
that while Republicans in the States are always talking about "The
Base" --- energizing "The Base," mobilizing "The Base," etc. --- in
Arabic Al Qaeda means... The Base!) You guys are two sides of the
same coin --- make friends!
(5) Two words: nose job.
(6) If there's one thing Americans like, it's beer. Part of the
reason that we probably don't like you all over there that much is
that we just simply don't KNOW you... and the reason we don't know
you is that we don't drink your import beers. You gotta get with the
program and start shipping us some of your beer. Don't keep it all
for yourself, share the bubbly, hoppy love baby! I mean, you guys
have beer... right? Right?
(7) While we've got churches over here, too, you guys are way over
the top with your stuff. Tone it down a bit and it'll sell better
over here. I suggest that you push an agenda of "lightening up" on
the church front --- Islam Lite, anyone? Praying five times a day?
Too much... how about once a week? (I suggest Sunday, it fits
better with Western schedules.) All that caterwauling from those
tower things? Bells, just bells. (Bells are a multi-tasker, too ---
useful for telling time.) Mecca? How about DisneyWorld instead ---
I'm sure they'd be down for hosting "Islam Day" once a year. (Talk
to Disney about opening a Persian franchise, too.) Also: consider
upping Mohammed's theological status to "deity" --- or at least
(8) I notice that you're personally going hatless, but that doesn't
seem to have caught on with many of your colleagues... Those funny
rag hats they wear have to go... catch up with current millinery
technology, you guys are only about seven centuries behind. How
about holy baseball caps instead?
(9) Let's talk food. It's hard for Americans to be too tough on
people whose food we love. (Look how tolerant we've been of those
damn French!) Consider: sushi's so entrenched in American dining
habits now that if Pearl Harbor happened today, we'd probably just
roll over. (ROLL over. Get it?) I suggest a broad push to
popularize Persian cuisine in America and the west... but with a few
adjustments. Now, I've had Persian food several times, and while
it's tasty --- it's just too freakin' dry. Dry, dry, dry, dry. I
mean, c'mon! Slap some BBQ sauce on that shit or something! Loosen
up with the condiments, Wally... what are you, Jewish? I mean, even
THEY offer free juicy pickles on the side... And that national drink
of yours, that drugh or droogh or whatever --- that salty yogurt-milk
crap, what the fuck is that about? Maxi-nast, that's what. I mean,
you're thirsty from eating your dry-ass food, and you take a swig and
ugh! No help! Ditch the salt, put some vanilla in that bad boy and
you've got a reasonable chaser for all that good Persian beer you're
keeping to yourself. Or put some vanilla liqueur and some vodka in
there and you've got a best-selling cocktail. (Name suggestion: a
(10) Speaking of naked, you guys have some hot chicks over there.
Why do you keep them all covered up like that? I mean, c'mon, share
the love, bro. A sure way to the Western man's heart is through his
crotch --- it'd be damn hard for GI Joe to drop bombs on Tehran if we
had a clear picture of all the hotties we'd be wiping out. I suggest
a national, annual Persian Wet Bikini Open. You can probably get a
TV deal with The Travel Channel, at the very least. Just think of
it, all those hot Iranian chicas parading around in the dusty desert
sun, scantily clad... all those Western men salivating at the
thought of putting the pipe to 'em. Dude, PR coup, no doubt. You
might want to go further --- perhaps a monthly porn mag. "Barely
Persian?" Talk to Larry Flynt. (Brief note: current Western
hygiene standards mandate a trimmer bush than you guys are probably
requiring over there these days. I suggest legislating the landing
strip -- if not the smoothie -- as the required grooming guideline.
Nobody wants to see a bikini bottom so full of hair that it looks
like a package, or black curlies creeping out the sides.)
(11) You need a theme song. Talk to Randy Newman, he's ALWAYS
Just some thoughts, Wally. Happy to help,
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