[FoRK] riff on Foley's IM messages

Joseph S. Barrera III < joe at barrera.org > on > Fri Oct 6 19:25:01 PDT 2006

Really rather funny, assuming you've read the real IM messages first.

- Joe

http://www.thepoorman.net/2006/10/01/i-like-steamroom/

I like steamroom
Posted by The Editors under Uncategorized

I can be silent no longer.

Ann Coulter is right to suppose that there is something fishy in the 
whole Rep. Mark Foley child molestoring story. I’m sure the FBI 
investigation will turn this up anyway, but I want my readers to hear it 
here first: the IM transcript of an alleged conversation between Foley 
and a high school boy is a hoax perpetrated by the MSM in order to help 
the terrorists. That is to say, it is half a hoax - the parts written by 
Foley (aka Maf54) are real, but they have been re-contextualized as part 
of a supposed conversation with a 16-year-old in order to make Foley 
look bad. How do I know?

Because Foley was really IM’ing me.

That’s right. This was a few years ago, during a somewhat difficult 
period in my life, when I was going through some physical changes, 
somewhat uncertain about my identity, etc. Foley was very supportive, 
and, as this, our final correspondence, shows, his supposedly “pervy” 
messages were, in fact, completely innocent. Anyway, here are Foley’s 
words, finally restored to their proper context.

Maf54 (7:37:27 PM): how my favorite young stud doing
Editorz (7:37:52 PM): he’s ok
Editorz (7:38:32 PM): just gave him some oats
Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): tahts good
Editorz (7:39:37 PM): thanks for letting me take care of your pony, btw
Editorz (7:39:44 PM): my apartment is small but he seem happy here
Maf54 (7:40:32 PM): you need a massage
Editorz (7:41:32 PM): I’m going to ride him around the kitchen again
Maf54 (7:42:27 PM): love to watch that
Maf54 (7:42:33 PM): those great legs running
Editorz (7:42:52 PM): The kitchen’s kinda asmall
Editorz (7:43:20 PM): cant really do much more then a slow trot
Maf54 (7:43:27 PM): well dont ruin my mental picture
Editorz (7:43:32 PM): we just jumped over the oven
Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): nice
Editorz (7:43:54 PM): i had some cookies in there
Editorz (7:43:54 PM): ben baking all day
Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): youll be way hot then
Editorz (7:44:01 PM): yes and covered with fluor too
Editorz (7:44:12 PM): but the cookies will be good
Maf54 (7:44:22 PM): better be
Maf54 (7:46:01 PM): well I better let you go do oyur thing
Editorz (7:46:11 PM): yes I have to go do some hand modeling
Editorz (7:46:18 PM): because I am trying to break into the hand 
modeklling game
Editorz (7:46:22 PM): but it’s hard
Editorz (7:46:27 PM): I have to go audition for the girls who give out 
the hand model jobs
Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend
Editorz (7:46:42 PM): Noo because I was bitten by a radioactive reindeer 
the other day
Editorz (7:46:55 PM): and so im turning into a deer
Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): are you
Editorz (7:47:11 PM): yes its awkward
Editorz (7:47:11 PM): and my hands are starting to look like hoofs
Editorz (7:47:11 PM): and that’s a disadvantage in the hand modeling biz
Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny
Editorz (7:47:23 PM): no antlers
Editorz (7:47:24 PM): people think antlers are the same as horns
Editorz (7:47:24 PM): but their totally different
Editorz (7:47:28 PM): antlers are made of bone
Editorz (7:47:32 PM): while horns are actually like fingernails
Editorz (7:47:40 PM): brb the pony is chewing up the couch again
Editorz (7:47:43 PM): what a bad pony! it is always so obedient!
Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself
Editorz (7:48:13 PM): oops disobedient
Editorz (7:48:22 PM): no I don’t belief in corporal punishment
Editorz (7:48:22 PM): I just send it to it’s room w/o any hay
Maf54 (7:48:33 PM): wow…
Editorz (7:48:33 PM): damn right i don’t take no mess
Editorz (7:48:33 PM): But I’m too busy baking cookies to discipline him 
right now
Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha
Editorz (7:49:32 PM): I never have any time anymore
Maf54 (7:51:11 PM): why not
Editorz (7:51:16 PM): I have to brushmy hair every hour
Maf54 (7:51:22 PM): at your age seems like it would be daily
Editorz (7:51:38 PM): if I don’t then my radioactive deer fur gets 
everywhere
Editorz (7:52:00 PM): so I have to brush like fifty times a day
Maf54 (7:52:20 PM): thats a good number
Editorz (7:52:22 PM): but it’s still not enough because my fur gets 
everywhere!
Maf54 (7:52:27 PM): in the shower
Editorz (7:52:42 PM): yes the drain is clogged
Maf54 (7:52:50 PM): in the bed
Editorz (7:53:02 PM): definitely
Maf54 (7:53:24 PM): on your back
Editorz (7:53:26 PM): it’s especially thick on my back
Editorz (7:53:26 PM): I got a free copy of Details magazine and it had 
an article abou tremoving unsightly back hair
Editorz (7:53:26 PM): I’m going to tryu it
Maf54 (7:53:32 PM): love details
Editorz (7:53:35 PM): yes it is a fine publication
Maf54 (7:53:39 PM): really
Editorz (7:53:44 PM): word is bond
Editorz (7:53:52 PM): I’m going to try it now
Maf54 (7:53:54 PM): do you really do it face down
Editorz (7:54:10 PM): the article doesn’t specify, but I think that 
would be difficult that way
Maf54 (7:54:13 PM): kneeling
Editorz (7:54:20 PM): makes more sense
Maf54 (7:54:31 PM): where do you unload it
Editorz (7:54:42 PM): I’ll probably just dump the old fur in the trash
Maf54 (7:54:43 PM): really
Editorz (7:54:55 PM): yeah
Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?
Editorz (7:55:14 PM): yes I did my whole body and now I’m fur free 
thanks to Details
Maf54 (7:55:21 PM): very nice
Editorz (7:55:32 PM): now I’m going to turn off the lights, light a 
cigarette, and make the ember dance around in the dark
Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air
Editorz (7:56:06 PM): yes it’s cute but I can’t do this all day you know
Maf54 (7:56:18 PM): i am sure not
Maf54 (7:56:22 PM): hmmm
Editorz (7:56:27 PM): it’s fun to watch the orange trails it makes
Maf54 (7:56:30 PM): great visual
Maf54 (7:56:39 PM): i may try that
Editorz (7:56:44 PM): ok enough fun
Editorz (7:46:44 PM): I have to moisterize my hooves
Maf54 (7:56:51 PM): hmm
Maf54 (7:56:57 PM): sound inetersting
Editorz (7:57:02 PM): I don’t know about that, but I have to if I want 
to model
Maf54 (7:57:05 PM): i always use lotion and the hand
Editorz (7:57:07 PM): Lotion doesn’t work on hoofs so I use furniture polish
Editorz (7:57:07 PM): Details said that works
Maf54 (7:57:10 PM): but who knows
Maf54 (7:57:38 PM): lol
Editorz (7:57:42 PM): so I’ll just apply the polish … buff with a bath 
towel … and voila! My hoofs will be shiny and moisturized!
Maf54 (7:57:45 PM): where do you throw the towel
Editorz (7:58:02 PM): I’ll just put it in the trash with my fur
Editorz (7:58:02 PM): hold on I have to buff
Maf54 (7:58:16 PM): just kinda slow rubbing
Editorz (7:58:32 PM): no, real fast like polishing shoes
Editorz (7:58:32 PM): you should be careful not to use furniture polish 
on a soft wood
Editorz (7:58:32 PM): remember what happened when you tried to polish 
balsa wood?
Editorz (7:58:32 PM): you had to forfeit the Pinewood Derby!
Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now
Editorz (7:58:42 PM): ok
Editorz (7:58:42 PM): also be careful not to squirt the polish in your eyes
Maf54 (7:58:44 PM): i bet..taht would hurt
Editorz (7:58:52 PM): I would think so, yes
Maf54 (7:58:59 PM): but it must feel great spirting on the towel
Editorz (7:59:00 PM): yes the polish-drenched towel feels lovely on my 
hooves
Maf54 (7:59:29 PM): wow
Editorz (7:59:39 PM): and now I have to deal with my antlers
Editorz (7:59:39 PM): one of my antlers is very big, but the other guy 
is just a floppy little nub
Maf54 (7:59:48 PM): is your little guy limp…or growing
Editorz (7:59:58 PM): I think it’s growing, but just more slowly than 
the other
Maf54 (8:00:00 PM): hmm
Maf54 (8:00:12 PM): so you got a stiff one now
Editorz (8:00:32 PM): Yup, just one full-grown one
Editorz (8:00:33 PM): I use it like a shoe tree
Editorz (8:00:33 PM): That way I never lose my shoies
Maf54 (8:00:43 PM): like
Maf54 (8:00:53 PM): i like steamroom
Editorz (8:00:57 PM): huh?
Editorz (8:00:57 PM): oh, you are doing your impression of Borat
Maf54 (8:01:04 PM): whats yours
Editorz (8:01:13 PM): I don’t reallyt do impressions
Editorz (8:01:16 PM): do your Angus Young
Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock
Editorz (8:01:24 PM): um, not great
Editorz (8:01:24 PM): say I had a crazy dream about fishing
Maf54 (8:01:27 PM): well tell me
Editorz (8:01:29 PM): so I’m fishing, and I’m about to, wuddayacallit, 
throe the fishing hook in the water
Maf54 (8:01:32 PM): cast
Editorz (8:01:47 PM): yeah, cast
Maf54 (8:01:49 PM): ok..so what happens
Editorz (8:01:57 PM): so I catch a fish, but it turns out that the fish 
is a sheriff, and it turns me into the FBI’s Special Aquatic Crimes Unit
Maf54 (8:01:58 PM): how does that turn you in
Editorz (8:03:00 PM): he had like a cell phone built into his fin
Maf54 (8:03:02 PM): ha thats wild
Editorz (8:03:12 PM): I have the craziest dreams somethimes
Maf54 (8:03:32 PM): me 2
Maf54 (8:03:42 PM): cast got you going
Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing
Editorz (8:04:10 PM): in the dream? Just my Quasimodo costume
Maf54 (8:04:17 PM): um so a big buldge
Editorz (8:04:37 PM): yeah, it’s my hunchback hump
Maf54 (8:04:45 PM): um
Editorz (8:04:50 PM): and my Friar Tuck robes
Editorz (8:04:56 PM): say, what’s the second verse to “Oh, Yeah” by Yello?
Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you
Editorz (8:05:13 PM): no, that’s not it
Editorz (8:05:33 PM): speaking of Friar Tuck, did you ever see the 
Disney Robin Hood cartoon?
Editorz (8:05:33 PM): with Robin Hood the fox, and King John the lion, 
and Little John the Bear
Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake
Editorz (8:06:10 PM): yeah, there was a snake but I don’t remember if 
his name was Graham
Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab
Editorz (8:07:01 PM): grab what?
Maf54 (8:07:12 PM): well your hard
Editorz (8:07:44 PM): my hand? I don’t have hands I have hoofs, because 
I’m turning all hoofy
Maf54 (8:08:03 PM): and a little horny
Editorz (8:08:23 PM): dude, they’re antlers. I know it seems like the 
same thing to you, but to us deer, calling them “horns” is really insulting
Editorz (8:08:25 PM): and I’ve only got one real antler anyway
Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me
Editorz (8:08:41 PM): first answer my question!
Maf54 (8:08:47 PM): tell me again
Editorz (8:09:00 PM): what’s the second verse to “Oh, Yeah” by Yello?
Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful
Editorz (8:09:18 PM): thats it
Editorz (8:09:18 PM): thnx
Editorz (8:09:35 PM): so may one antler is about 3 foot eight
Maf54 (8:09:44 PM): thats a great size
Maf54 (8:10:22 PM): still stiff
Editorz (8:10:32 PM): um, yeah its an antler
Maf54 (8:10:40 PM): take it out
Editorz (8:10:56 PM): I can’t just take it out
Editorz (8:10:56 PM): like a lightbulb or something
Editorz (8:10:57 PM): I have wait until its time to molt or whatever
Editorz (8:10:58 PM): and rub it off against a tree
Editorz (8:10:59 PM): I don’t know I’m new a this
Maf54 (8:11:06 PM): ok
Editorz (8:12:22 PM): I tried to rub it off on the couch yesterday but 
my girlfriend came home
Maf54 (8:14:37 PM): cool hope se didnt see any thing
Editorz (8:14:51 PM): no I don’t think so
Maf54 (8:15:04 PM): good
Editorz (7:38:32 PM): she doesn’t know I’m turning into a reindeer
Editorz (7:38:32 PM): I told her it was just my new hairstyle
Maf54 (8:15:08 PM): haha
Editorz (8:15:10 PM): if she found out I was teasing the radioactive 
deer again she’d be ripshit
Maf54 (8:15:11 PM): why
Editorz (8:15:21 PM): because A she didn’t want the pony
Editorz (8:15:21 PM): and B because she told me not too a bunch of times
Editorz (8:15:24 PM): and if I did it again I would not get any birthday 
present
Maf54 (8:15:31 PM): oh well
Editorz (8:15:34 PM): but my birthday’s coming up and I want a new video 
game
Editorz (8:15:43 PM): I will be 29
Maf54 (8:15:53 PM): haha
Editorz (8:16:22 PM): no, seriously
Maf54 signed off at 8:17:43 PM.


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