[FoRK] Dear Texas, Please Secede
jbone at place.org
Mon Dec 21 08:22:39 PST 2009
Cross-posted for comic effect and that general frisson accompanying
interesting but probably impractically idealistic ideas.... ;-)
(Selectively unquoted for hopefully-improved readability. And to
hopefully get around whatever weird problem my mail client has been
having in conjunction w/ pipermail resulting in rampant
misformatting. And yo, Ken, do something about yours; every
paragraph you write ends up as a single, long, unbroken line requiring
ridiculous amounts of horizontal scrolling. ;-)
Begin forwarded message:
> From: "R.A. Hettinga" <rah at shipwright.com>
> Date: December 20, 2009 7:29:46 AM CST
> To: undisclosed-recipients:;
> Subject: Dear Texas, Please Secede
'course, if all us "free people" went to Texas, it'd stop bein' Texas,
Born in Providence(?) Hospital, El Paso, Texas, so I might *just*
qualify for a passport...
Dear Texas, Please Secede
Our Last Best Hope
I don't know much about you. I don't live there.
I know it takes about two days to drive through your vast tracts of
land in an aging Mazda RX-7. That drive really sucks. Even when
listening to Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" on tape.
I know that most of your nasty collectivist hippies have been confined
to Austin, like cells of tuberculosis encrusted in calcium. They are
harmless and if the chips were down, you could drive them out to live
in some refugee camp on the Louisiana border. They could live there
for decades, like the Palestinians in the Middle East, only they would
be singing bad college rock. And smell worse.
Your state is mostly flat. You have problems on the border. Most of
your air smells like cow dung or dust, and Houston has terrific
You also have bad food. Seriously. It's bad. Don't tell me about your
barbeque and authentic Mexican crap, because I'm from New Orleans. Ça
Also you have Ross Perot, and he's batsh-t crazy. Also you have Kay
Bailey Hutchinson, a fifth-columnist collectivist if ever there was a
Vichy in France.
Also you have a former president there who teed up the United States
of America for its final destruction with TARP I: A Fake New Hope. So
you'll have to transfer him out of there to preserve your future
freedom, otherwise he'll be trying to get good real estate deals, the
Wait, I don't want to get ahead of myself.
Dear Texas, despite all of your shortcomings, I am here to inform you:
You are the last best hope of mankind.
The collectivists now have the votes in the Senate to pass the Health
Care Enslavement Act. Everything else is procedure. Therefore I must
recognize that now, to my utter horror...
I no longer live in a free country.
I will be forced by the power of the State to pay for a stranger's
MRI. I will be forced to beg the government for permission to get a
I am a slave. The government now has complete power over everything
that constitutes my humanity, for if they control my health and body,
they control me.
I've had to put up with the petty 'crats in my various entrepreneurial
endeavors. I have lost countless hours filling out sales tax forms and
regulation forms. I've spent hours at the DMV. At the local Fascist
Building Code Authority. I saw my home town of New Orleans destroyed
by collectivists at the Army Corps of Engineers, the City Council of
New Orleans, the Mayor's Office, various Levee Boards, the Governor's
Office, and hundreds if not thousands of Louisana State
representatives sucking off the government teat for the better part of
These obscene lilliputian vultures!
They have stolen countless hours of my life already through taxes and
regulations. These vampires that produce nothing and consume all. Who
destroy art and freedom and culture and happiness. These monsters of
vulgarity who wish to control and regulate and want you to thank them
for it. Yes, I have lost much to these evil creatures and to my shame
I have put up with it, voting against them time and again. Voting for
people and donating to people I thought loved liberty, only to
discover the nasty little jack-in-the-box monster that pops up like a
horror zombie, who sneaks in ear marks to increase the value of real-
estate they "happen" to own.
How many corrupt fifth columnists voting for bill after obscene
liberty-killing bill must I endure before I wake from this nightmare?
Denny Hastert, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, I am looking your way when I
say that last bit about corrupt fifth columnists. You f-cks. Dance
With the Stars and die.
But this is the last straw.
I will not put up with them in charge of my health, my children's
health, or my parent's health.
Never. Do you hear me?
I refuse to live under this tyranny.
If I must choose to live as a slave or go to prison, then I choose
prison. Better a prisoner than a slave. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid,
President Obamahole: arrest me now. Never a red cent shall I pay. Get
it over with and come get me now. I won't pay your fines. I won't fill
out your paperwork.
I will die first.
I refuse even under threat of death to conform to your Health
Do you understand?
This is not a democracy. This is a constitutional republic, and I do
not care about your majority vote. My liberty is more important. Do
It appears then that, since collectivists now control the United
States and wish to enslave me and my family, I must consider other
options. Shall I move? To where? Name a country that is not
collectivist in one form or another, or under threat of imminent
domination. Europe is under the crushing velvet glove of socialism,
Russia is a madhouse, all else froth and insanity, corruption and
I want my United States, but it is no longer the United States. It is
gone and has been since at least the 1950's, as Rome was no longer
Rome after the madness of the twelve Caesars, but still trundled on
under momentum and past glories.
The radio hosts upon which I based my last film, Hive Mind, are for
the most part believers in the vote. They do not believe in taking up
arms against our nation and are extremely reluctant to even consider
such with their audiences. For one thing, they could get yanked off
the air. For another, they have a love for country that is as
admirable, and stubborn, as what those British subjects felt for king
and country in 1771 Colonial America.
They revolted over a dinky tea tax, for Chr-ssake. Now look at us. You
think George Washington would've sighed, shaken his head, and trundled
down to the Tax-Stamp office to buy health insurance mandated by the
British Crown 'cause it was the law?
Frankly, I must confess that I'm not enthused by the image of
villagers storming the White House with pitchforks and torches, or
waging guerilla warfare against the combined might of the ATF, the
FBI, and the Coast Guard.
I am a realist, which means I am a pessimist, and unfortunately I must
say with great pessimism that the country our radio hosts love is no
longer the United States of America. It is beyond salvation.
Now listen, I will certainly continue to fight through political
channels. I will continue to call my Congressmen and Senators, and go
to rallies and rail against the machine. But I know deep down, and I
believe everyone else here does too, that with such power over the
vast machinery of the United States in the hands of these ruthless
collectivists, there will be no turning back the tide even should
Republicans and Libertarians and Conservatives sweep the House and
Senate in every election in 2010.
Which brings me to the most important thing I know about Texas.
Dear big beautiful Texas with all your gorgeous pageant women and
crappy food: you are the only state that joined our Union with a
treaty allowing for legal secession.
Here's the "long story short," your favorite phrase, Dear Texas:
You can get out now and no one will stop you.
Look, I'm just a crazy filmmaker who writes a blog to boost sales for
my movies. But before that I worked for the defense community and hung
out in certain circles, so you meet people, you learn a few secrets.
Here's a few that most beltway journalists know also, but are too
chickensh-t to tell you, because if too many little people heard it,
they'd rise up and kill all their buddies and benefactors in the
government. And that would just totally kill the cocktail party circuit.
Here's the first secret they know.
Obama doesn't care about preserving the Union. He is the anti-Lincoln.
He would be perfectly happy to see all the "Red States" go. They are
pesky. They vote against collectivists. Red Staters own guns. They're
dangerous. I know I am.
Obama's buddies in the Weather Undergound were even overheard by the
FBI in the 1960's trying to figure out how to get rid of all you
liberty-loving gun-toting whack jobs. They estimated they'd have to
kill 25 million in total. Which gave them pause. Not because the
number was too big for their morality; it just seemed like a big job,
and collectivists are lazy.
Yet their lust for a collectivist country has brought them to the
White House decades later, and, rather than be forced to kill all
those that disagree with collectivism, they'll be happier jettisoning
a state or two and let all the whack jobs who love liberty flee there.
Don't get me wrong, Obama's Weather Underground buddies would cheerily
kill every last Red Stater if they had to. Look at Jeremiah Wright.
You don't think he wants you dead? Please, girlfriend. Please.
But if it can be avoided, they'd prefer you secede. Less money spent
on bullets and mass graves and more money for them to live like the
Politburo elite in the good old days, with fancy toilet paper.
Dear Texas, Obama-collectivist wants you to leave. You are a guest who
has overstayed your welcome in the Union. You just don't know that the
liberty party is over yet.
Remember when Castro wanted to ship all his troublemakers out during
the Muriel boatlift? Bingo.
Dear Texas, put aside fears of "Civil War II: The Revenge of the
North." Not going to happen.
Consider that a large percentage of the U.S. Military is from Texas.
Obama would dare not send his "Blue State" armed forces into your
borders. He would invite a military coup if he even thought about it.
And besides, without Red State soldiers, the U.S. Military will be too
busy blow drying its hair, putting on makeup while driving, and
fiddling around in its purse trying to find that Tomahawk cruise
missile next to its tampon.
Seriously, don't worry about a hot civil war. Remember that Truman
(collectivist like Obama) was too much of a pussy to take care of the
Soviet Union back when we were the only ones with the nuke. At worst,
Obama will wage a cold war with you and maybe embargo your arugala
supply. And really, I know you couldn't give a sh-t about that.
Dear Texas, do you want to know what Obama will say? Have fun. Good
luck. Sign a Global Warming Treaty with us? Buy our stuff with your
Texas dollars? Here, take a bunch of these other pesky liberty-loving
gun owners from Wyoming, Montana, Arizona, Louisiana, Georgia,
Mississippi, etc. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. But
hey, sell us your oil until our solar panels are working.
Be careful not to lend him money. He'll ask.
Obama and his ilk don't believe that the United States should be the
lone super power of the world. They really couldn't care less if you
are in the Union or not. They just want collectivism and all the
corruption money they can eat.
Now Dear Texas, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it won't be easy.
Let me let you in on another secret I've learned in my old-school
China's been giving Mexico's military arms and training for the better
part of two decades. Many Chinese "companies" (which are really owned
by the People's Liberation Army) run most of the major Mexican ports.
They have been pre-deploying small arms, hand-held missiles, and other
nasty pieces of work in warehouses down there, all for a rainy day
They would love to see Mexico try to take back Texas. During the
confusion they'll be all over Taiwan like a drunk teenager on a 5
dollar whore. The Chinese and Mexicans have been slipping money to the
Democrats (algore, Billary Clinton, Obamahole, etc.) and Republicans
(John MyFriends McCain, Bob Viagra Dole, Denny Earmark Hastert, George
Bushes Part I: The Lethargic Projectile Vomiter and Part II: The
Expensive Mindless Sequel) for decades for a reason.
Come on. You think China was giving money to Bill Clinton cause he
looks good with Monica Lewinsky in his lap? 'Cause they wanted to sell
us plastic Mardi Gras beads? They want Taiwan and then they want to
pay back Japan for the rape of Nanking. And hey, if algore gets some
bucks out of it, well, that's a cheap price 'cause algore's a cheap
So bear in mind, Dear Texas, that when you declare independence,
Mexico will try to take you back. And Obamahole will not lift a finger
for you in that instance. You will be alone.
It will be a nasty and ugly guerilla war.
I know you don't care about that, because you love liberty, Dear Texas.
Plus, you have the hottest pageant women on planet earth, better even
than Brazil, so you know you can't lose.
You will indeed be "like a whole other country."
I remember the Alamo.
Save a seat for me in liberty's sweet embrace, 'cause I'm on my way.
God Bless The United State of Texas.
Update: Be nice to world's greatest blogger, Robert McCain, confirmed
greatest since he recognizes my glorious genius. Even though he still
hasn't sent me a mailing adress so he can have the glory of seeing any
of my movies.
Update Update: I've gotten a couple of emails already from people
asking me if this blog post is serious or satire. Am I really this
crazy? Look, I have a sense of humor and like to take it out on a walk
once in a while. But I would rather go to prison, die, or be a refugee
in The Republic of Texas than suffer any more loss of liberty, and the
two secrets I mention (re: Obama being happy with less than 50 states
and the long-term China-Mexico-Azatlan strategery) are indeed true, at
least according to my sources, and I trust them more than I trust
Katie Couric. She doesn't know sh-t, she's not even good eye candy
anymore, and the last good question she probably asked was in 1973.
"Does this dress make my ass look fat?" Received answer: "Yes." Good
Save humanity. Follow me on Twitter and share this article on Twitter.
Ladd Ehlinger Jr. - 2009-12-19
the creator of Flatland and Hive Mind, a techno-collectivist scifi
horror film with a cast of billions
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