[FoRK] Dear Texas, Please Secede

Jeff Bone jbone at place.org
Mon Dec 21 08:22:39 PST 2009

Cross-posted for comic effect and that general frisson accompanying  
interesting but probably impractically idealistic ideas....  ;-)

(Selectively unquoted for hopefully-improved readability.  And to  
hopefully get around whatever weird problem my mail client has been  
having in conjunction w/ pipermail resulting in rampant  
misformatting.  And yo, Ken, do something about yours;  every  
paragraph you write ends up as a single, long, unbroken line requiring  
ridiculous amounts of horizontal scrolling. ;-)


Begin forwarded message:

> From: "R.A. Hettinga" <rah at shipwright.com>
> Date: December 20, 2009 7:29:46 AM CST
> To: undisclosed-recipients:;
> Subject: Dear Texas, Please Secede

'course, if all us "free people" went to Texas, it'd stop bein' Texas,  
wouldn't it?...

Born in Providence(?) Hospital, El Paso, Texas, so I might *just*  
qualify for a passport...



Dear Texas, Please Secede

Our Last Best Hope

Dear Texas,

I don't know much about you. I don't live there.

I know it takes about two days to drive through your vast tracts of  
land in an aging Mazda RX-7. That drive really sucks. Even when  
listening to Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" on tape.

I know that most of your nasty collectivist hippies have been confined  
to Austin, like cells of tuberculosis encrusted in calcium. They are  
harmless and if the chips were down, you could drive them out to live  
in some refugee camp on the Louisiana border. They could live there  
for decades, like the Palestinians in the Middle East, only they would  
be singing bad college rock. And smell worse.

Your state is mostly flat. You have problems on the border. Most of  
your air smells like cow dung or dust, and Houston has terrific  
traffic problems.

You also have bad food. Seriously. It's bad. Don't tell me about your  
barbeque and authentic Mexican crap, because I'm from New Orleans. Ça  

Also you have Ross Perot, and he's batsh-t crazy. Also you have Kay  
Bailey Hutchinson, a fifth-columnist collectivist if ever there was a  
Vichy in France.

Also you have a former president there who teed up the United States  
of America for its final destruction with TARP I: A Fake New Hope. So  
you'll have to transfer him out of there to preserve your future  
freedom, otherwise he'll be trying to get good real estate deals, the  

Wait, I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Dear Texas, despite all of your shortcomings, I am here to inform you:

You are the last best hope of mankind.

The collectivists now have the votes in the Senate to pass the Health  
Care Enslavement Act. Everything else is procedure. Therefore I must  
recognize that now, to my utter horror...

I no longer live in a free country.

I will be forced by the power of the State to pay for a stranger's  
MRI. I will be forced to beg the government for permission to get a  
heart transplant.

I am a slave. The government now has complete power over everything  
that constitutes my humanity, for if they control my health and body,  
they control me.

I've had to put up with the petty 'crats in my various entrepreneurial  
endeavors. I have lost countless hours filling out sales tax forms and  
regulation forms. I've spent hours at the DMV. At the local Fascist  
Building Code Authority. I saw my home town of New Orleans destroyed  
by collectivists at the Army Corps of Engineers, the City Council of  
New Orleans, the Mayor's Office, various Levee Boards, the Governor's  
Office, and hundreds if not thousands of Louisana State  
representatives sucking off the government teat for the better part of  
a century.

These obscene lilliputian vultures!

They have stolen countless hours of my life already through taxes and  
regulations. These vampires that produce nothing and consume all. Who  
destroy art and freedom and culture and happiness. These monsters of  
vulgarity who wish to control and regulate and want you to thank them  
for it. Yes, I have lost much to these evil creatures and to my shame  
I have put up with it, voting against them time and again. Voting for  
people and donating to people I thought loved liberty, only to  
discover the nasty little jack-in-the-box monster that pops up like a  
horror zombie, who sneaks in ear marks to increase the value of real- 
estate they "happen" to own.

How many corrupt fifth columnists voting for bill after obscene  
liberty-killing bill must I endure before I wake from this nightmare?

Denny Hastert, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, I am looking your way when I  
say that last bit about corrupt fifth columnists. You f-cks. Dance  
With the Stars and die.

But this is the last straw.

I will not put up with them in charge of my health, my children's  
health, or my parent's health.

Never. Do you hear me?

I refuse.

I refuse to live under this tyranny.

If I must choose to live as a slave or go to prison, then I choose  
prison. Better a prisoner than a slave. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid,  
President Obamahole: arrest me now. Never a red cent shall I pay. Get  
it over with and come get me now. I won't pay your fines. I won't fill  
out your paperwork.

I will die first.

I refuse even under threat of death to conform to your Health  
Enslavement Act.

Do you understand?

This is not a democracy. This is a constitutional republic, and I do  
not care about your majority vote. My liberty is more important. Do  
you understand?

It appears then that, since collectivists now control the United  
States and wish to enslave me and my family, I must consider other  
options. Shall I move? To where? Name a country that is not  
collectivist in one form or another, or under threat of imminent  
domination. Europe is under the crushing velvet glove of socialism,  
Russia is a madhouse, all else froth and insanity, corruption and  

I want my United States, but it is no longer the United States. It is  
gone and has been since at least the 1950's, as Rome was no longer  
Rome after the madness of the twelve Caesars, but still trundled on  
under momentum and past glories.

The radio hosts upon which I based my last film, Hive Mind, are for  
the most part believers in the vote. They do not believe in taking up  
arms against our nation and are extremely reluctant to even consider  
such with their audiences. For one thing, they could get yanked off  
the air. For another, they have a love for country that is as  
admirable, and stubborn, as what those British subjects felt for king  
and country in 1771 Colonial America.

They revolted over a dinky tea tax, for Chr-ssake. Now look at us. You  
think George Washington would've sighed, shaken his head, and trundled  
down to the Tax-Stamp office to buy health insurance mandated by the  
British Crown 'cause it was the law?

Frankly, I must confess that I'm not enthused by the image of  
villagers storming the White House with pitchforks and torches, or  
waging guerilla warfare against the combined might of the ATF, the  
FBI, and the Coast Guard.

I am a realist, which means I am a pessimist, and unfortunately I must  
say with great pessimism that the country our radio hosts love is no  
longer the United States of America. It is beyond salvation.

Now listen, I will certainly continue to fight through political  
channels. I will continue to call my Congressmen and Senators, and go  
to rallies and rail against the machine. But I know deep down, and I  
believe everyone else here does too, that with such power over the  
vast machinery of the United States in the hands of these ruthless  
collectivists, there will be no turning back the tide even should  
Republicans and Libertarians and Conservatives sweep the House and  
Senate in every election in 2010.

Which brings me to the most important thing I know about Texas.

Dear big beautiful Texas with all your gorgeous pageant women and  
crappy food: you are the only state that joined our Union with a  
treaty allowing for legal secession.

Here's the "long story short," your favorite phrase, Dear Texas:

You can get out now and no one will stop you.

Look, I'm just a crazy filmmaker who writes a blog to boost sales for  
my movies. But before that I worked for the defense community and hung  
out in certain circles, so you meet people, you learn a few secrets.  
Here's a few that most beltway journalists know also, but are too  
chickensh-t to tell you, because if too many little people heard it,  
they'd rise up and kill all their buddies and benefactors in the  
government. And that would just totally kill the cocktail party circuit.

Here's the first secret they know.

Obama doesn't care about preserving the Union. He is the anti-Lincoln.  
He would be perfectly happy to see all the "Red States" go. They are  
pesky. They vote against collectivists. Red Staters own guns. They're  
dangerous. I know I am.

Obama's buddies in the Weather Undergound were even overheard by the  
FBI in the 1960's trying to figure out how to get rid of all you  
liberty-loving gun-toting whack jobs. They estimated they'd have to  
kill 25 million in total. Which gave them pause. Not because the  
number was too big for their morality; it just seemed like a big job,  
and collectivists are lazy.

Yet their lust for a collectivist country has brought them to the  
White House decades later, and, rather than be forced to kill all  
those that disagree with collectivism, they'll be happier jettisoning  
a state or two and let all the whack jobs who love liberty flee there.

Don't get me wrong, Obama's Weather Underground buddies would cheerily  
kill every last Red Stater if they had to. Look at Jeremiah Wright.  
You don't think he wants you dead? Please, girlfriend. Please.

But if it can be avoided, they'd prefer you secede. Less money spent  
on bullets and mass graves and more money for them to live like the  
Politburo elite in the good old days, with fancy toilet paper.

Dear Texas, Obama-collectivist wants you to leave. You are a guest who  
has overstayed your welcome in the Union. You just don't know that the  
liberty party is over yet.

Remember when Castro wanted to ship all his troublemakers out during  
the Muriel boatlift? Bingo.

Dear Texas, put aside fears of "Civil War II: The Revenge of the  
North." Not going to happen.

Consider that a large percentage of the U.S. Military is from Texas.  
Obama would dare not send his "Blue State" armed forces into your  
borders. He would invite a military coup if he even thought about it.  
And besides, without Red State soldiers, the U.S. Military will be too  
busy blow drying its hair, putting on makeup while driving, and  
fiddling around in its purse trying to find that Tomahawk cruise  
missile next to its tampon.

Seriously, don't worry about a hot civil war. Remember that Truman  
(collectivist like Obama) was too much of a pussy to take care of the  
Soviet Union back when we were the only ones with the nuke. At worst,  
Obama will wage a cold war with you and maybe embargo your arugala  
supply. And really, I know you couldn't give a sh-t about that.

Dear Texas, do you want to know what Obama will say? Have fun. Good  
luck. Sign a Global Warming Treaty with us? Buy our stuff with your  
Texas dollars? Here, take a bunch of these other pesky liberty-loving  
gun owners from Wyoming, Montana, Arizona, Louisiana, Georgia,  
Mississippi, etc. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. But  
hey, sell us your oil until our solar panels are working.

Be careful not to lend him money. He'll ask.

Obama and his ilk don't believe that the United States should be the  
lone super power of the world. They really couldn't care less if you  
are in the Union or not. They just want collectivism and all the  
corruption money they can eat.

Now Dear Texas, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it won't be easy.  
Let me let you in on another secret I've learned in my old-school  

China's been giving Mexico's military arms and training for the better  
part of two decades. Many Chinese "companies" (which are really owned  
by the People's Liberation Army) run most of the major Mexican ports.  
They have been pre-deploying small arms, hand-held missiles, and other  
nasty pieces of work in warehouses down there, all for a rainy day  
like this.

They would love to see Mexico try to take back Texas. During the  
confusion they'll be all over Taiwan like a drunk teenager on a 5  
dollar whore. The Chinese and Mexicans have been slipping money to the  
Democrats (algore, Billary Clinton, Obamahole, etc.) and Republicans  
(John MyFriends McCain, Bob Viagra Dole, Denny Earmark Hastert, George  
Bushes Part I: The Lethargic Projectile Vomiter and Part II: The  
Expensive Mindless Sequel) for decades for a reason.

Come on. You think China was giving money to Bill Clinton cause he  
looks good with Monica Lewinsky in his lap? 'Cause they wanted to sell  
us plastic Mardi Gras beads? They want Taiwan and then they want to  
pay back Japan for the rape of Nanking. And hey, if algore gets some  
bucks out of it, well, that's a cheap price 'cause algore's a cheap  

So bear in mind, Dear Texas, that when you declare independence,  
Mexico will try to take you back. And Obamahole will not lift a finger  
for you in that instance. You will be alone.

It will be a nasty and ugly guerilla war.

I know you don't care about that, because you love liberty, Dear Texas.

Plus, you have the hottest pageant women on planet earth, better even  
than Brazil, so you know you can't lose.

You will indeed be "like a whole other country."

I volunteer.

I remember the Alamo.

Save a seat for me in liberty's sweet embrace, 'cause I'm on my way.

God Bless The United State of Texas.

Update: Be nice to world's greatest blogger, Robert McCain, confirmed  
greatest since he recognizes my glorious genius. Even though he still  
hasn't sent me a mailing adress so he can have the glory of seeing any  
of my movies.

Update Update: I've gotten a couple of emails already from people  
asking me if this blog post is serious or satire. Am I really this  
crazy? Look, I have a sense of humor and like to take it out on a walk  
once in a while. But I would rather go to prison, die, or be a refugee  
in The Republic of Texas than suffer any more loss of liberty, and the  
two secrets I mention (re: Obama being happy with less than 50 states  
and the long-term China-Mexico-Azatlan strategery) are indeed true, at  
least according to my sources, and I trust them more than I trust  
Katie Couric. She doesn't know sh-t, she's not even good eye candy  
anymore, and the last good question she probably asked was in 1973.  
"Does this dress make my ass look fat?" Received answer: "Yes." Good  
job, airhead.

Save humanity. Follow me on Twitter and share this article on Twitter.

Ladd Ehlinger Jr. - 2009-12-19

the creator of Flatland and Hive Mind, a techno-collectivist scifi  
horror film with a cast of billions

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