Re: Message for the newbies.

Ron Resnick (
Tue, 17 Jun 1997 23:15:49 +0300

At 09:24 AM 6/17/97 PDT, Adam Rifkin wrote:
>I just wanted to take this time to thank the newbies -- five in just this
>past month! -- for putting up with all of our stupid rants and raves. Feel
>free to lurk all you want; we'll make more.

Heh. Adam actually got nervous that these otherwise self-respecting
folks might turn chicken and quit before they have the chance
to experience the wonder that is FoRK. Didn't you tell them, when
they signed up, that there is no escape hatch? This is one
of those Dante-like deals with the devil - you're doomed to
the insanity, folks.

Specifically addressed to Sandor - now you know why we've
never, ever explicitly suggested to any dist-objers that they
sign up for FoRK. I luv my FoRK membership - wouldn't trade
it for the world. And some of what you hang around on dist-obj for,
will occasionally be found here too. Occasionally. Very occasionally.
But you'll find oh so much more
here too. FoRK defies description. Adam's FAQ hardly begins
to scratch the surface. Everybody around here is either a narcissist
or a lurker - there is no in between. Even JoeK becomes an
egomonger the instant he dares posts here - don't let him tell you
otherwise :-). If you thought
dist-obj wasn't for the timid, wait till you see this place! Don't
dare come out of the shadows until you can tell us what celebrities
you hobnob with over in Holland. Had tea with Queen Beatrix
recently? Inquiring FoRKers want to know! The hell with your Java
problems - keep 'em over on that geek list - we don't wanna know over here.

I think you make just the third non-North American around here (after
R Harley and me). And only just the fourth non-US resident (toss in
Mark). So much for the 'well-rounded' mix FoRK is supposed to be -
30-odd Yanks and 4 'others'.

So here, specially for you, is the quickie 30-second tour to
FoRK. Sorry, that's all I have time for.

There is only one rule:

Rule #1 Instantly delete and don't read any FoRK posts unless
they are written by Tim Byars (CobraBoy). Contrary
to popular sentiment, it actually appears that everything you'll
read around here is totally clueless EXCEPT for CobraBoy posts.
This takes quite a while to get the hang of, since most of us
are unfortunately adjusted to the supposedly reasonable, rational
mindset of the outside world, which trains us to think the opposite.
The reality, however, is that it appears that Tim, all on his own,
pretty much IS the 3% of 3% of 3% of 3%... we're desperately
trying to track down. As Rohit has recently noted,
Tim *be* da man. I've only recently caught onto this, which
is why I've started ignoring just about everything on FoRK other
than CobraBoy! posts, including my own. You can stop reading this now....

>Also, someone asked why so many people feel the need to insult me on
>this public, Web-indexed forum, such as
>To this I can only respond, it's because I have the peace of mind and
>inner spirit that these fellows fear they can never possess.
>My opinion is that people insult other people in public to compensate
>for personal feelings of inadequacy in the emotional, psychological,
>physical, intellectual, social, sexual, psychosexual, financial,
>political, religious, phallic, sportsfangoing, quake-playing, and/or
>research-laden aspects of their lives.
>To be blunt, these people cannot help but insult those to whom, for one
>reason or another, they feel inferior. It's something I have had to
>deal with my entire life, and since FoRK is like the Superman-Bizarro
>Mirror World of life, it would only make sense that such phenomena
>follow me here as well.

Actually Adam, we insult you because, as you state on your web page,
life sucks. Expect no mercy. You suck. The things you think suck.
The articles you write suck. Then again, I suck too. Things in general
suck. We just insult you to relieve the boredom and the tedium of
everyday existence. Your imagining that it all has something
to do with an inferiority complex on our part clearly indicates your
own overbloated sense of self-worth. The reason we choose to
insult you, rather than Tim, say, was already noted - Tim be da man,
you be merely da munchkin. I wonder how munchkins taste with ketchup?

>That moron Rohit sent me a personal email when he meant to FoRK it.
>Only though the strength, courage, and moral fiber of my rugged inner
>character was I able to bootstrap enough motivation to pull this out of
>my Berkeley mail and resubmit it for those who'd like a sampling of
>Rohit's pedestrian attempt at wit.
>> > From Sun Jun 15 18:58:27 1997
>> > Subject: Would you believe 22Mb?
>> > To: (I Find Karma)
>> >
>> > there are ~3800 forkmails , addding up to a 22MB html archive!!
>> Adam responds:
>> > Damn. So THAT'S where all of our time goes...
>> I guess I can agree that we can can preproduction on Indiana Jones and
>> the Lost Null -- /dev/null is alive and well and living on xent...
>> RK
>> (PS: the name xent actually comes from the role of arch-villain I played
>> in a college mockumentary of Indy at Tech...)
>We close with a frightening thought. Rohit expects that any woman who
>will eventually become his significant other, will not just be willing,
>but actually *want* to read this 3800+, 22MB arsenal of FoRKspew.

Which reminds me. I recently posted
a 'shadchan' (matchmaker) list of options for Rohit. But I now
realize that we have an eligible bachelor with a list full of eager
matchmakers, and we have Rohit's best friend with an eligible
sister. Hmm, Adam and Rohit become brothers-in-law? This
has potential. Then again, by the description of Ms. Rifkin
I've seen, I doubt she's the type to read the FoRK archives.
And I'm not sure she'd be Rohit's type, though maybe that's
best left to them to decide.
So Adam, are you posting that private thread you now
have public permission to post?

>We've already ascertained that no one on this list actually reads
>everything posted here (gentlefolks, get your delete finger ready!). To
>expect that --- nay, even hope that --- some woman would love Rohit enough
>to slog through thousands of emails about shooter girls, enough jargon
>to make Bob Metcalfe comfortably numb, and occasional goodnatured
>flamefests (call me the master baiter: JoeK, you wuss, by listening to
>only melodies and harmonies you aren't giving your ear the workout
>they'll need to survive the sound and fury of the nuclear armageddon
>coming in 1999 since your eyes will be closed for fear of turning into a
>pillar of salt) is tantamount to expecting that one day through science
>and engineering someone will invent a method of nailing a piece of Jello
>to a tree. Or a method of pushing toothpaste back INTO the tube. Or a
>method of lighting a match on a piece of soap. Or a method of dribbling
>a football. Or a method to ski through revolving doors.
>Give it up, TravelMan. Bitboy's here to give you a pocket full of
>PS - Rohit, is my subject line good enough for you? Maybe someday you'd
>like to see my object line, too?
>My God, he takes everything that's good about the Web and perverts it!
>He's brilliant!
> -- Adam Rifkin about Tim Byars

See Rule #1 above. Catching on, us grasshoppers, huh Tim?