Using both, I am slowly, slowly, slowly getting past so much of what I
recognize of myself in your note: the need to be needed, the
positive-feedback cycle of hurting yourself because you've been hurt but you
don't "deserve" to be hurt:
> connection with people who don't
> with you -- and hence, quite logically,
> immediately suppressing and shaming
> the feedback. That's the
> intellectualization that immediately
> set upon gnawing away my
> unjustifiable hurt when I came back
> that night and saw her already off
That. Right there. That's the deep little vortex of self-hatred that will
keep destroying you. It's a deep nasty motherfucker of a parasite, your only
real enemy, and you have to kill it before you can live. Don't be ashamed to
use any and all resources to kill it.
> if I ever did get laid, I'd probably contract a
> lingering and enervating disease that destroyed
> my ability to work.
Dammit, you already have such a disease -- you're just not treating it (as
far as I know).
> I have a healthy fear of
> pleasure, and with good reason.
No. Not healthy.
I'm not angry with you. I'm angry at the thing inside of you.