Ok three very subjective and personal thoughts on the matter
one...Slow the fuck down roh man. Your running yourself in tight little
circles of airports, cab rides and half dates. You got to pin up the
goals, what you realy want, why you want them etc etc Every trip every
day every decission that come syour way, check them against the pin ups.
Do they get you closer or move you further away from them?
(yea yea i know the Rubicks cube spin on this (i go back three to move
forward 6 to side step 8 and wind up 2 ahead) and thats all well in good,
as long as you are closer to the goal at the end of a stretch. If your
honest with yourself (and thats a whole other ball of wax I can dig into)
you will knwo when your falling behind on the count)
"if it makes you happy, then why the hell you so sad" CC
Two...Im heavy, I mean im hughe, obeese , xxxlarge , a tub in the ocean
and a iceberg of fatitude (340 pounds at last check). If your like this
for a while (ive been heavy most of my life) you do get a differnt outlook
on life. what ever the genisis of your girthness is(bad eating habits,
emotional trama, guilt, etc) as realise that as you move thru the world
you are treated differntly. You can be a nice guy and a freind to all
(over gregarous is what my close freinds say i am want to be called) but
you still feel this layer of sepration from what i can only put into words
as "the beautifull people". There are folks I know I would have made a
deeper and more personal realtionship with had it not been for this layer.
Yes, the layer now is far removed from what it started out to be, and in a
very large part is is now my own creation and hence must deal with it. But
this does not lessen the build up of fustration when you live thru the day
knowing there might have been someone there for you at the end of the day
IF ONLY you had unchunked earlier.
IN the last three years or so I have come up with a way to deal with it ,
which im sure will only work for me being that it is a very perosnal
appraoch. BasicalyI have resigned myself to the fact that I will not be
getting thin quickly. I spent 10 years loosing wieght the quick way...yea
and im about 100 pounds heavier than when i started. Im in the gym as
often as I can (something which Ive seen rohit post about) and im realy
making eating right as much a part of my day as breathing or starcraft.
In the mean time, that is to say in this glorious metamorphoisis , i am
acting as if I am thin. I indulge in spiffy clothes, flirt like a madman
with a reckless abandon (but discerning taste) and in short work the
editing features of my brain overtime on myself image. It doesnt work all
the time, but when I give it half a chance its great. Ive been involved
with several people very closley in the last two years, one real
close..too close:)..and am looking forward to another bloosoming of
emotions in the next few weeks.
Dont get me wrong, Its still rough waters all around, but Ill be damned if
Im gonna let it get me on the side lines of my own life ever again.
Do I still want to be wanted and need to be needed? Damn straight er
..well damn sure. Somtimes the need to NEED some one, to be a part of
there day and know that somewhere out in the world there is a mind
thinking of you (and not concerning system design, playing quake or
cooking), wanting you back. Its about a two way relationship, not a one
way need cycle. But I know that the things that in the past Stoped me
from connecting with the reciprocating ends of myself are being drawn down
and stemped out. In the mean time, IM a work in progress and full speed
I perosnaly went bonkers when i tried to fit that into a busy travling
work schedule. I couldnt handel it. Im the type of person who needs a firm
home base, a place to sit every night and listen to the radio and time to
clearly reevalutate where I am versus Where I said I want to be.
Its the Iterative Modeling Aproach to a better self (OMT for a better you,
by Depak Booch)
Also...You had a great expansive experience at beltane. Let it carry you
thru these times of shite. Remeber, after it all there is the all , the
blessed be and the spirit. Youcan go thru a hail storm of feces with a
smile if you know that at the end of the storm your in for the sunny side
smile of the earths cool kiss. And you are, and you will and no matter
where you go...there you are (so i stole it from BB, sue me).
I dont know man, somethimes I m there with ya on the parking lot bench
with my glasses broken and no one returning my phone calls, wondering why
the fuck do I ven bother getting out of bed at all .
Most times though, im happy in the fact that somewhere, at any hour, I can
jump online and play star craft. Its the simple pleasure .