Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

CobraBoy! (
Thu, 23 Oct 1997 22:27:27 -0700

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will
be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth",
said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the
press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as
a wholly-owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft vice president Steve

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reportingdirectly
to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went
on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on
to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft
isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates
said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft
representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens
will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and
discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business
and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing
and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United
States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.


That's OK. He'll burn in hell. - Steve Jobs

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