You know you are in trouble when she is after you

Philip A. DesAutels (
Thu, 04 Dec 1997 09:49:56 -0500

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10.You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with
pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely
lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9.That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8.On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck
half-open graham cracker garage door.

7.You find your pet bunny on the stove, but it's in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6.The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the

5.You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a

4.No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster

3.Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2.You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
....and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

1.You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
Philip A. DesAutels W3C <>
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