Excerpt from the book
"A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers",
by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster:
1. Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an
unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for
24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with
dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
2. Me-trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with
you to give me a cigarette; you-choking on my odor, tripping
over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment,
our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
3. Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie
goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows.
No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions.
Send photo of someone else.
4. I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr.
I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm.
I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.
5. Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian
infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine?
Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub.
You bring the salsa.
6. Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb
(you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin
and extra prickly cactus juice.
7. Soup is good food. I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter
sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns,
peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway;
you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely
and often. Must wear size five shoes.
8. Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love.
You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands.
Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and
lots of toothpicks.
9. Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no
identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs.
Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises.
Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.
10. There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my
heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones
with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy
ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.
11. Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin
tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue.
You look like Linda Carter? Big plus.
Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
12. Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks
and hiballs. SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't
be tall. Or, if you can't help it, enjoy laying down.
Wanna swim upstream?
13. Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii
and how mad you were that they made you go?
And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most
gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach
looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini
with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month
imagining him taking you in every possible way,
masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear,
but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail?
That was me, and you just turned 18.
14. Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus
flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream
and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic,
preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex
and fashion consulting. No freaks.
15. You bring the bits, I'll bring the bite.
Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
Because then, if he doesn't like it, it dosn't matter since you are a
mile away, and you have his shoes.
-- John Karro