Job, in all his suffering, discusses with his friends his blamelessness
and seeks their counsel as to why the Lord has afflicted him. They agree
that he, Job, has done nothing to deserve such misfortune. In deep despair,
Job raises his voice to the heavens, "Why, oh Lord of Heaven and Earth,
The sky darkens, the clouds boil, lightning and thunder crsh all about Job.
A mighty voice comes out of the storm,
"BECAUSE,.... YOU PISS- ME- OFF!"
Did you here about the Jewish - Japanese restarant?
Its called So sume.
PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it
TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
CANCER Dear God!!!
VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like
You did the last time.
LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other
hand, what do you think is best?
SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,
even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million
times, help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a
long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch
tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was
a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it
in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses
was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and
this time it won.
The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid
of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the
donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local
farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT?
A: Because he got nailed on his boards.
Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and
Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole,
which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to
the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot
takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the
ball for a birdie.
God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and
finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and
watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods.
About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old
tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball.
Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel
falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit
takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it
gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit
with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back
up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless
sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the
green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off
the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the
squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and
closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for
a few seconds and then finally falls in.
Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to
fuck around, or are you going to play golf?"
How do we know Jesus was jewish?
1) He lived at home until he was 35.
2) He went into his fathers business.
3) He thought his mother was a virgin.
4) His mother thought he was a god.
Never, under any circumstances, be left alone with a cross-eyed nun
with a bullwhip in one hand and a bottle of Gin in the other.......
Little known quote:
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????"
-Socrates minutes before death
Anyway, that's just my opinion, meant to confuse and disorient...
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