IBM Global Solutions

Arthur Secret (
Wed, 24 Jul 1996 16:07:37 -0400 (EDT)

Ok, second try for a fresh joke. Sorry about last one :-(


>Forwarded message:
>From: (Lew)
>Subject: You'll like this
>Author: Rhode Roberts at BPG-SID-SJ
>Date: 7/17/96 1:28 PM
>IBM, A Company Full Of Solutions
> In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the company's
>ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member
>Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to
>crush a nut.
> Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
>it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not
>crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the
>nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was
>able to break it."
> Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM
>shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break
>shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
>computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took
>modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
> Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist
>choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into
>joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.
> IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able
>provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our
>telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global
>solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,
> IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an
>Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has
>ideas to get you where you want to go today."
> According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most
>was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of
>vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I
>it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good
> Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
>state-of-the- art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601
>microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit
>networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the
>computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat
>out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
> "This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured
>with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using
>every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later,
>Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's
>200-page owner's manual.
> IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased
>that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said
>company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is
>the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating
>global village." The Bantu tribesmen are members of an ever-growing,
>international community of users who have turned to IBM to solve their
>networking needs.
> Jean-Claude DuMont, a goatherder from the French region of Brittany who
>working on an Indiana University Ph.D. in biology via internet, recently
>looked into IBM's new computer-satellite data uplink, which offers
>access to all library files worldwide. "With IBM's new uplink service, I
>access any file I want, any time I want," DuMont told fellow goatherder
>Pierre Valmont during a recent walk through a rye field. "I can even find
>out how many points Michael Jordan scored last night." Responded Valmont: