Tim Byars (
Fri, 09 Feb 1996 19:02:51 -0800

[Welcome to The World Headquarters of Netaholics Anonymous]

You know you're hooked on the Internet if...

* You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land. Jeff D., San
Francisco, CA
* You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to
arrive. Alex K., NYC
* You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with
your own neighbors. Steven P., Boca Raton, FL
* Your business cards contain your e-mail address. Lonnie D., Dallas, TX
* You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15
minutes least once every hour. Pam K., St. John, USVI
* You dream about creating the world's greatest web site. David P.,
Olympia, WA
* You start using smileys in your snail mail. Rien P., Amersfoort,

You know you're really hooked on the Internet if...

* You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the web.
Tim P., Cambridge, MA
* Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy. Shayna K.,
Annapolis, MD
* ...and you're seriously considering getting a second phone line. Dave
S., Clark, NJ
* You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find
yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set. Annette
St. M., Santa Monica, CA
* You forget to eat because you're too busy surfing the net. David M.,
Washington, DC
* You religiously respond to immediately to e-mail, while ignoring your
growing pile of snail mail. Bill G-A, San Diego, CA
* You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says
"See you in the morning." Allison S., Cleveland, OH; Mr. Crow,
Woodland Hills, CA.
* Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the
monitor." Bob S., South Florida
* You're constantly yelling at your wife for using the phone for stupid talking.
Jeff M., Long Island, NY
* You purchase a laptop so you can surf while sitting on the can. Tommy
J., Vancouver Island, BC

You know you're really, really hooked on the Internet if...

* You think more about being online than you do about sex. Mike F.,
* ...and to heighten the sensation, you install a mirror over your PC.
Tommy J., Vancouver Island, BC
* You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just so
you can have the free Internet access. Bill M., Princeton, NJ
* You brag to all of your friends about your date Saturday night...but
you don't tell them it was only in a chat room. John Paul M., New York
* You join listservs just for the extra e-mail. Olivia K.G., Muscatine,
* You've given up the search for the "perfect woman" and instead, sit in
front of the PC until you're just too tired to care. Rick F., Dayton,
* At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider." Kim
G., Greenwich, CT
* Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven. Spinner, Tucson, AZ
* Your pet rock leaves home. Alan K., Denver, CO
* In addition to your e-mail address being on your business cards you
even have your own domain. Mikey M., Hesperia, CA
* Your husband has his lawyer deliver the divorce papers...via e-mail.
Anna M., Miami, FL
* Your computer costs more than your car. Jan B., Des Moines, IA

Perhaps you should consider finding a new hobby if...

* Your house stinks because you haven't cleaned it in a week. Lori,
Richmond, IN
* You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.
Tim, Rochester, NY
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page. Jan W., London, England
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Julie L.,
Glendale, CA
* You get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing. Ralph H.,
Minneapolis, MN
* You and your friends get together regularly on IRC, even though all of
you live in the same city. Craig S., Canada and Insomniac, Chelmsford,
* When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you
can't...because you were kicked out and banned. Matthew H., Fort
Worth, TX
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. Kyle N., Quincy, IL
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. Annette
SM, Santa Monica
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone
lines. Janis A., CT
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular
modem and a laptop. Sheldon S., Hanover Park, IL
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment. Rory F., Ventura, CA

It may be time to seek professional counseling if...

* E-mail Deficiency Depression (EDD) forces you to e-mail yourself.
Bryan J., PA
* You lie, even to user-friends, about how long you were online
yesterday. Steve R., Taiwan
* You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep. Janis A., CT
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection
to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. Peter B., NYC
* And even your night dreams are in HTML. Raph L., Berkeley, CA
* You rate eating establishments not by the quality of the food, but by
the availability of electrical outlets for your PowerBook. Steven S.,
Phoenix, AZ and virtually everywhere.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
Shelly R., Sacramento, CA
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
pulled the plug on a loved one. Bill M., Key West, FL


You might be able to qualify for disability benefits if...

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. Matthew H.,
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at A-O-L dot com." James G.,
Bourbonnais, IL
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new
WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart
problems before. Debra O., Aiken, SC
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and
you don't have a clue when it happened. Matthew H., Bourbonnais, IL
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new
e-mail arrives.
Pam P., Aiken, SC
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what
she looks like.
Dick H., Clinton, MA
* All of your friends have an @ in their names. Mike L., Sweden
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of
them are already highlighted in purple. Michelle B., S. Dakota
* You read the entire the Netaholics Anonymous page looking for
something that doesn't describe you. Glenn P., Portland, OR


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You must always change the way it is, to have it the way you want. ...L. Graham

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